Toxic (not the BS song !!!)

This is the blog that will be the hardest to write for me. It has involved me really looking at myself and where I am, as well as the things that I am proud of, and, more importantly, those of which I am not proud. This maybe why it has taken me a few compositions to get to this point.

Everybody talks about Toxic people and Toxic relationships.

What if I am one of those Toxic People? What then?

I am a difficult person to like, unless you know me. I am extremely passionate about what I believe in and can be tenacious beyond all reason. I have strong opinions (some would say opinionated) and I have been known on more than one occasion to "tell it as it is". I am a person who becomes easily addicted. I can manipulate people and situations well. I have been told that I am a "catalyst "at times. I hold grudges in my personal life. I can be spiteful sometimes ( I am not proud of this) I feel that I need to be honest so that I can fix the things that need fixing.

Most people look at what I portray to them and decide that they won't go any further. Those who persist in breaking down my exterior see an entirely different person. This issue has led to my being passed over for promotions (even though I am great at my job) it has seen me be snubbed by colleagues (even though I have assisted them) It has seen me remove myself from my family and "go it alone". Some of those family relationships I know were extremely toxic to me. But there are some, such as my relationship with my daughter (whom I haven't seen or spoken to for a year), that I know broke down because of my inability to accept her choices and my almost maniacal obsession that my friends and family be loyal to me. This is what I mean when I ask if I may be the toxic one. I tried to make her feel guilty, sad, dejected because I did not agree with her placing her loyalty with a family member above me. Things like that are hurtful to me and I react by cutting people off rather than working things through.
We aren't a close family and as a child I suffered, physical, emotional and sexual abuse (Some of those family will still not believe that this happened). The emotional abuse is what has brought me to this place of that I am sure. I'm not asking for sympathy or pity. My childhood has been a part of me and even though I don't like most of me, there are still some things about me that I do like (notice I haven't said Love) I now understand that "I don't trust people" I'm so scared of getting hurt, being taken for a ride, relying on somebody, that I don't give myself the choice of finding out. I push people away before they have the chance to really know me. I'm good at it, been doing it for years. It makes me feel safe and being the "fat one" most people don't want to look beyond my mouth and my appearance. I have even been told that people are intimidated by me. I think this is more about my verbosity than my appearance.
I asked a good childhood friend of mine to read this before I posted and she told me that I had to add that I fight for what I believe in, because it's a massive part of who I am. I do it's true, but I know that I sometimes do this without regard for others point of view or feelings. I am an all or nothing type of a gal, which I believe is why I become addicted easily (to people as well)
So What? Why am I telling you my fellow travellers this? You all have your own stories, tragedies, abuses and pain some far more intense, agonising and distressing than mine.
I'm telling you because I finally realise that this is the reason for my weight gain and most, if not all, of my challenges with food. I am telling you this because I now realise that my relationship with my daughter needs to be repaired so that she doesn't face the same battles. I am telling you this because I need to let go of all of that baggage before it drags me down again.
Now is the time to look ahead and to this end I have listed things about me that I do "like"
I am passionate
I am caring
I am loyal
I am emotional
I am strong
I am a good mother to my son
I will fight for somebody's right to be who they are
I am funny
I am smart
I am a good friend

I know that I will never be everyone's "cup of tea" but I need to realise that is their choice, their reasoning and nothing to do with any of my inadequacies. I am "broken" but I am not beyond repair. This is a work in progress and if I expect to achieve my goals and sustain my weightloss and life style I have to start reconstructing me from the inside.
I have to learn to let go!!!

Well fellow traveller, I did warn you that this would be a warts and all account. I hope I haven't made you run for the hills. I have a suspicion that this will not be the last post of it's ilk.