Once more unto the breach! (dear friends)

Yes, fellow travellers that time again,
 Back to School
Bitter Sweet, the mum in me says YAY, the teacher in me is groaning.
Where did all the time go?
 How am I going to fit it all in?
But: I am going back to school a far different person from the one who started these holidays.
Not only is my body clean but my mind has followed suit (no, I still have those thoughts when watching Magic Mike :)) I mean my mind is free from most of the clutter that previously had me doubting myself and disliking the person I was.
I am walking into those school gates feeling like I can take on the world without all of the armour that I had. Over 30kgs less armour. (Big Grin)

I'm feeling invincible right now and waiting for those little darlings to "bring it on!"

Keep watching this space as I am sure that the term ahead will be fraught with incredible highs and some disappointing lows. I am stronger, fitter, fiercer and more fabulous than the person who said goodbye 7 short weeks ago. I am not coming out fighting anymore. I am a calmer more self assured person. I will stand my ground in a calm, quiet and compassionate way. (Although I am sure my mouth with run away with itself at times) I am no longer that person who hides within a shell. I have broken out fellow travellers.... So those haters better WATCH OUT !!!!!!!

Revolutionary ( I am not revolting)

A gorgeous person posted on her blog that she had a word for the year which mirrored her hopes for 2013. I, fellow travellers, (not to be outdone) had to consider my 2013 word. A lot was riding on this decision because it is to be the word that personifies my year.

Racking my brain cell took far longer than I expected and gave me a headache but eventually one word reoccurred "Revolutionary" (No, I am not about to band a team of able and willing participants to overthrow dear ole Julia ) I am changing; my life, my fitness, my outlook, my choices.

What is the definition of my 2013 and what does it mean to me (cue dictionary.com)

radically new or innovative; outside or beyond established procedure, principles, etc.: a revolutionary discovery.

My previous principles and procedures, overeating, running away, procrastination are all going to be a thing of the past.

No more over eating, no more hiding in a bag of donuts or reaching for the chocolate aisle.

I am facing my demons head on and whooping arse. I will get my promotion this year and become the amazing advocate for Students with Disabilities that I know I can be. No thing or person will deter me from revolutionising my life. I am the conductor of my destiny and I will surround myself with positive like minded people. It is easy to be drawn in by the machinations and moaning of others, but this year I will simply hold up my hand and utilise that (adorable!!) teenage saying "talk to this, cause the ears ain't listening"

I am evolving and moving outside of my comfort zone (my established procedures and habits) It won't be an easy road fellow travellers, but you more than anyone know this. There is no map or compass, just determination and the will to make my year REVOLUTIONARY!!!!!!!!!

Eat the Chocolate? (not today thanks)

The past couple of days, after my epic self acknowledgement, have been pretty difficult. What is it about overwhelming emotion that makes us head for the chocolate aisle?
Instead of becoming totally overwhelmed I decided to take a good look at the inspiration and motivation for my weight loss.

Motivation has really come from my 2 men. Hubby and lil man, I want to be around for a lot longer. I want to live an amazing life with them and laugh, love, live, and have fun.

Inspiration has come from the most unlikely source (for me anyway) and that is the ladies of the #12WBT 30 plus group. They are an amazing group of wonderful people, who are walking the same track as me and happy to share their experiences.

This road we are travelling makes us question our lives, our motives, our determination and our abilities. I question myself constantly;

Can I do it?

Am I worth it?

Will I succeed?

the answer to all of these questions is YES! YES! YES
I may have a taste of those naughty but nice things, but it will be a taste not a trough ( I could lose my nose in a bag of donuts and not come up for air.)

I am here for the long haul fellow travellers, although I'm shrugging off the excess Truck weight and moving my arse into an sleek and sporty Aston Martin :)

 

Weigh Responsibly!

I realised today that my days have been defined by the reading on a set of scales.
Whether I had a good day or a bad day became absolutely dependent upon my weight loss.
How has it come to this?

 My day should be defined by the fact that I have woken up safe, sound, secure and loved in my own home.
It should be defined by the wonderful, amazing people that I have in my life. It should be determined by me. Not a number in a window, not the total loss for the day or week. I had once again allowed my weight to control me and define me.

Well! No longer fellow travellers.

No longer will I wake up in the middle of the night and "just step on the scales" no longer will  I visit the bathroom 12 times in a day "just to check"

I will purchase a set of good scales.
I will only step on them twice a week (Weigh in day and Sunday)
I will allow my husband to hide them.
I will weigh responsibly !!

This obsession has now officially been declared and I am waging war on those numbers.
Fellow travellers if you read this and see even a glimmer of yourselves please remember always

WEIGH RESPONSIBLY

Loving Life (A New Concept)

It's true I really do feel like I am loving life. Don't get me wrong, I am not where I want to be by any stretch of the imagination, but I know I will get there.
That is the difference "I know I WILL get there" I don't feel like I am pushing through a wall of fog anymore. I am really loving the journey.
A #12WBT friend wrote on her blog about excuses. I don't really thing I made excuses, but I did make bad decisions based on my feelings at the time. Those feelings were deeply flawed, but, if I had not made those decisions, I may not have reached this point. I have taken ownership of the decisions I made (good and bad) and I am moving on.

Every decision that I made was shaped by some event in my life at the time. I have made HUGE mistakes and I have had HUGE triumphs. Isn't that what life is about?
The difference is that now I won't reflect on the mistakes, I will reflect on my triumphs and try and learn from mistakes and disappointments.
I will not run away anymore. If you asked me 20 weeks ago if I ran, I would have told you to stick your head in because "you don't know me". Now I say "Yes! that was the old me" Now I will stay and take ownership of all my actions and accept the consequences.

I am loving life and laughing more and "not sweating the small stuff" I appreciate my life, my job and my family more than I ever have because, I realise... I cannot do this alone. I do need people I love in my life. I am not indestructible. But, I also know that this doesn't make me weak. It makes me human. With all of the failings of a human being. I am sitting at the computer writing this and smiling. I can't remember the last time that I smiled so much. :) :) :)

Fellow Travellers I am more than ready to continue this interesting, painful, overwhelming and uplifting road with you. BRING IT ON !!!

Dilemmas (warning this post shows images of Food)

This road is certainly the one least travelled for me. There are steep and rocky inclines that require navigating and most of those involve food.

I really believed I was at the stage when I could buy a bag of chocolates (Reece's Peanut Butter Cups) and only eat 3 because that was 110 calories... Hahahahah... The sky in that world must surely be purple.

I did indeed buy those wicked morsels of temptation. Got them home and by golly... I managed to only have 3.. Go team me!!! What amazing self control.

I sat down and starting conversing with a fb friend then I heard it " COME GET ME" I followed that voice and it was coming from the fridge. "HURRY UP. I'M MELTING"

My eyes followed the voices and there it was, that bag of deliciousness was calling me. Being the good Samaritan that I am I picked up the packet and explained that I could only eat 3. This I did ( hang on, didn't I say that I had already eaten 3) I put them back and an hour later the same lament could be heard from the fridge. I still couldn't ignore that plea. I walked to the fridge opened the door, looked at those cups of moreishness and thought " I can't do this, I can't have them around" so without looking back I squished them into my hand walked out to the bin and threw them in. I had to take them to the wheelie bin because I knew if I threw them away in the bin inside the house I would go looking, (how sad is that).

This episode has reminded me that even after losing 30kg there is still a long road ahead of me. It will be a long, hard and gruelling trek..but, fellow travellers, I think the view at the end will be worth it.

Toxic (not the BS song !!!)

This is the blog that will be the hardest to write for me. It has involved me really looking at myself and where I am, as well as the things that I am proud of, and, more importantly, those of which I am not proud. This maybe why it has taken me a few compositions to get to this point.

Everybody talks about Toxic people and Toxic relationships.

What if I am one of those Toxic People? What then?

I am a difficult person to like, unless you know me. I am extremely passionate about what I believe in and can be tenacious beyond all reason. I have strong opinions (some would say opinionated) and I have been known on more than one occasion to "tell it as it is". I am a person who becomes easily addicted. I can manipulate people and situations well. I have been told that I am a "catalyst "at times. I hold grudges in my personal life. I can be spiteful sometimes ( I am not proud of this) I feel that I need to be honest so that I can fix the things that need fixing.

Most people look at what I portray to them and decide that they won't go any further. Those who persist in breaking down my exterior see an entirely different person. This issue has led to my being passed over for promotions (even though I am great at my job) it has seen me be snubbed by colleagues (even though I have assisted them) It has seen me remove myself from my family and "go it alone". Some of those family relationships I know were extremely toxic to me. But there are some, such as my relationship with my daughter (whom I haven't seen or spoken to for a year), that I know broke down because of my inability to accept her choices and my almost maniacal obsession that my friends and family be loyal to me. This is what I mean when I ask if I may be the toxic one. I tried to make her feel guilty, sad, dejected because I did not agree with her placing her loyalty with a family member above me. Things like that are hurtful to me and I react by cutting people off rather than working things through.
We aren't a close family and as a child I suffered, physical, emotional and sexual abuse (Some of those family will still not believe that this happened). The emotional abuse is what has brought me to this place of that I am sure. I'm not asking for sympathy or pity. My childhood has been a part of me and even though I don't like most of me, there are still some things about me that I do like (notice I haven't said Love) I now understand that "I don't trust people" I'm so scared of getting hurt, being taken for a ride, relying on somebody, that I don't give myself the choice of finding out. I push people away before they have the chance to really know me. I'm good at it, been doing it for years. It makes me feel safe and being the "fat one" most people don't want to look beyond my mouth and my appearance. I have even been told that people are intimidated by me. I think this is more about my verbosity than my appearance.
I asked a good childhood friend of mine to read this before I posted and she told me that I had to add that I fight for what I believe in, because it's a massive part of who I am. I do it's true, but I know that I sometimes do this without regard for others point of view or feelings. I am an all or nothing type of a gal, which I believe is why I become addicted easily (to people as well)
So What? Why am I telling you my fellow travellers this? You all have your own stories, tragedies, abuses and pain some far more intense, agonising and distressing than mine.
I'm telling you because I finally realise that this is the reason for my weight gain and most, if not all, of my challenges with food. I am telling you this because I now realise that my relationship with my daughter needs to be repaired so that she doesn't face the same battles. I am telling you this because I need to let go of all of that baggage before it drags me down again.
Now is the time to look ahead and to this end I have listed things about me that I do "like"
I am passionate
I am caring
I am loyal
I am emotional
I am strong
I am a good mother to my son
I will fight for somebody's right to be who they are
I am funny
I am smart
I am a good friend

I know that I will never be everyone's "cup of tea" but I need to realise that is their choice, their reasoning and nothing to do with any of my inadequacies. I am "broken" but I am not beyond repair. This is a work in progress and if I expect to achieve my goals and sustain my weightloss and life style I have to start reconstructing me from the inside.
I have to learn to let go!!!

Well fellow traveller, I did warn you that this would be a warts and all account. I hope I haven't made you run for the hills. I have a suspicion that this will not be the last post of it's ilk.

Incertitude. That Sounds Right

I was doing so well: I dragged myself out of bed at a reasonable time (I got my husband to call me from work so that I didn't sleep in AGAIN!!) I looked at my workout gear and just thought "I can't do it, not today"but that inner voice told me to stop being a pussy and JFDI. So I did. 48 min workout to #Michelle Bridges Cardio Kicker. Amazing I here you cheer. But wait! There's more! I had my shower and instead of the frozen yoghurt I had the yoghurt a la fridge (and a coffee that my husband makes for me before he leaves at 5am). I then sat at the laptop checked out FB and the new #12WBT 30 plus page that I had just subscribed to. I am soooo bored! These 6 week holidays sound amazing, but when you are in a small town with no car (husband took it to work) and a child who refuses to walk and is a safety hazard on anything that has wheels, it can get pretty boring quite quickly.
I am not the most domesticated of people and have "cleaned"my house to within an inch it of being declared a chemical hazard.
I have prepared all of my teaching plans and resources for next year.
I DO NOT IRON ( MstrX saw an ironing board in the hotel cupboard and asked why the surfboard had legs)
I AM BORED!! Normally this would not end well, the pantry beckons and I just can't resist that tempting whisper. Get thee behind me Junk Food! I'm not for the taking!
At this point I am high fiving myself and whoot whooting to anyone that would listen (even the dogs ran away) And then the most amazing thing happened. Almost without knowing I was once again exercising, workout gear on again and the elliptical machine was pumping, I looked down and YES INDEEDY ! It was infact me all kitted out and in the throes of another session.
I posted my achievement onto the #12WBT 30 plus page and patted myself on the back.
Hubby came home and I made our meal as per #12WBT. Lamb and Pumpkin Salad, we didnt have pomegranete so I used a nectarine (I would put Bear Grils to Shame) Mstr X had hotdogs with barbeque sauce (we are into brown food at the moment)
I did the domestic thing (unlike me) and cleared.
I sat down played some scrabble and the next thing I knew I was sitting there witha packet of Mini Homestyle Chunkies (choc chip biccies. 115 calories)  WTF after all my hard work....
Why oh Why can I not say no !!  :( 

I feel that all my hardwork today has been undone I am suffering from INCERTITUDE.
THe difference now is that I will not let it stop me from trying again tomorrow. I will reach my goal weight by August 2013. I will work on my emotional issues. I will achieve and succeed. I will learn to overcome my incertitude.
Once again fellow travellers I have slipped. I have dusted myself down, stood back up and placed one foot in front of the other. I am travelling along this road once more .

Reasons? I Had a Few...

Okay so let's get down to the reason I started this blog. I am roundly proportioned (as my grandma would say). never used to be, but unfortunately I have become this person, who inside feels like Elle McPherson (even though I'm about 12 inches shorter that her and my legs only reach my knees, not my neck) but outside looks like Miriam Margolyes. I am now on a mission to lose weight and am doing it with the help of #Michelle Bridges 12WBT.

As my fellow travellers know I teach kids with disabilities and not so long before I ventured along this pathway I was in a classroom on preppies (about 4 years old) and I managed to extricate my large posterior from one of those ridiculously tiny chair, stood up and stretched to my incredible height of 5ft 9" (okay okay I was wearing 6" heels) When one of those lovely little cherubs looked up at me and sweetly said "Excuse me Miss" (lovely manners) "yes darling "I replied "what is it" ... That little angel fluttered her lashes and out it came "when is your baby going to come" Out of the mouths of babes is a statement so true. "I'm not having a baby darling, I just have a big belly right now"

Inner self at that point decided it was really time for me to take control and do something. I hadn't weighed myself since I saw that I was 122kg ( if I don't see it, then it can't be true) so I stood on the scales and KAPOW!! there it was 129.6kgs. That should have been enough to spur me in but seems I needed more. One week later after a bit of a health scare I went to the hospital to have a liver scan. This showed that I had a fatty liver and the doc told me I needed to change this if I wanted to live a healthy, long life. That was my deciding moment. RIGHT THATS IT!!! I was determined to lose weight. LAPBAND SURGERY! that's the answer. I called the doc, who wrote a referral for me. Then I called my health fund, who informed me that they wouldn't pay until April 2013. I was distraught (okay, mildly upset) "okay, I'll show them" I thought " I'm going to diet and show them that it won't work"

A work colleague the next day asked if there was anyone there who wanted to do the Michelle Bridges 12WBT with her ( my hand shot up!! ... Just kidding) Hmm, another one of those celebrity things that don't work but inflate a "B" listers ego. Honestly. (whisper) I had always found Michelle irritating (sorry Mish), I much prefered the American one. But, I signed up that day not telling anyone. I was 128.7kgs when I started. I didn't tell a soul until, during the pre season tasks we were informed that we needed to let people know and make ourselves accountable. So I did, I posted on my facebook (wonderful social tool, helps you remain a little anonymous) and every week thereafter I posted my weight loss for the week. What I didn't realise was that people actually cared about how I was doing and (this made me cry, which I will never admit) Some people said that I had inspired them to do this programme. By the end of round 3:2012, I had lost 17kgs ( the last 2 weeks were a washout) and my liver problems had started to get better.
 

I signed up for round 2 thinking that I would be better and as you have seen from my posts, I have only really started losing weight in the past couple of weeks. I decided to make myself accountable again, hence this TOME!

My Feet are Shrinking !

Do not mock me fellow travellers, they absolutely are.
I weighed myself this morning, a good loss of 4kgs (patting myself on the back right now)

Then I did my measurements:

WTF I haven't lost a thing from my hips, waist, arms or legs AND low and behold my lady lumps have increased in size. In a fit of pique I wrote on the 30+12WBT fb wall asking what I was doing wrong.

All of those wonderful ladies told me that the body was a strange thing and would catch up ( my body obviously has caught up with my mind as they are both mildy insane) Then one lovely lady said that her feet have shrunk:

OMG! What if my feet have shrunk. This is disastrous what will I do if none of my extensive wardrobe of shoes fit (over 50 pairs at last count) So I ran (okay, okay, walked quickly) to my collection and tried some of them on. Yes!! she is right my feet have shrunk, but fear not my shoes still fit but the excruciating pain as I squeezed into them has gone.  It no longer looks like I have squeezed an over sized pork chop into a sausage skin. They actually look pretty good, and, my calf length boots (all 6 pairs) now zip up so I don't need to wear them under jeans or a long skirt.

Moto of this post fellow travellers is to just go with it. Learn, laugh, read the book, buy the tee shirt and move on ( preferably in your gorgeous Manolo Blahnik, or Jimmy Choo's)

Introductions (long overdue)

Reading my posts I realise that I have been rude and I haven't really introduced myself (trying to stay as anonymous as possible) So here is my introduction that should really have been my 1st post (but I am not some one who could be called normal)

Me:
40+ year old, married, mother of 3. Started this weight loss experience round 3: 2012 and lost 17kg first round. Currently in Round 4: loss to date 8kgs.
Have been anorexic, bulimic and have food issues as well as body dysmorphia.
Need to work out the psychological issues...but more on that at a later date...

Family:
Husband:
Incredible, supportive, younger than me and has always told me that, he loves me as I am, but I have to love myself as well. He is a keeper and the best guy I know as well as my best friend and soul mate.
Kids:
 My 2 eldest are 28 & 31 respectively and my youngest is 7 (major brain fart happened which culminated in the birth of my joy). He also happens to have been diagnosed with Asperger's Disorder and can be challenging but amazing everyday,
Job:

I used to have a high powered executive job, but the same brain fart that happened when I decided to get pregnant again also hit the career centre of my over worked brain. Now I can say that what I do is not work, it is the most wonderful experience and I laugh (and cry) everyday. I teach students with disabilities and I am honoured to be able to do so.

Expectations (Great or Otherwise)
This blog will contain insights, rantings, spelling mistakes but more than anything it will be an honest warts and all account of my quest to be healthy in mind body and spirit...... Here's to weigh ins, mirrors and looking inward.

I slipped !!!!

Hubby is off work for a while so we decided to do a healthy family thing and go to the beach for a walk and a swim, (not a normal thing for me )
I decided that instead of taking lunch and a midday snack we could have fish and chips (just a grilled fish for me) Hahahahaha!!!! thats what I thought......

We get to the beach and son goes to play in water park while we walk around and keep an eye on him.Later I suggest we walk the 1.5kg to the  fish shop and eat there and walk back (hoorah for me ...so sensible)

We get to the fish shop and I do indeed order grilled barra (no chips) meals for son and hubbie. I really should have stopped there and walked away, but. out of the corner of my eye I spied them HOME MADE FISH CAKES ... hmm just one wouldn't hurt ...so I ordered one (to share of course)

Meal arrived and I attempted to share, but, wudduya know hubby didn't like it. So (of course) don't want to waste food, so I stuffed it down with tartare sauce. Thats okay thinks I, we are walking back. Not too bad I hear you say ... wait there's more. Walking back we came across an ice cream van ( I really don't like ice cream)"How about we share a sundae' say I "Sure" says hubby. So i grab a sundae "just one scoop" I say , feeling chuffed with myself. then I go order crushed nuts, caramel topping and a flake.....
(ARE YOU MAD WOMAN)
I take it back to the waterpark and eat all the caramel topping and 2 small spoons of icecream and then give it to hubby. He of course didn't want it and gave it back to me. I looked at it, then at the slim, healthy mother running with her child, and threw it in the bin...Hoorah for me!!  (But wait there's more) We left for home a couple of hours later and I had decided to have just the small portion of egg curry (calorie approved and counted) with a small roti bread also calorie counted. Hubby (love this man) decided that he was having a large rib steak, homemade onion gravy and onion pull apart bread. Great!! until everything was on the table and I looked at the bread...resistance was futile... So YES! dear reader I indulged.... Off the wagon for the day ...
A tale of woe? Maybe... But at the beginning of this weight loss journey (i hate the use of that word now its been so Americanised) I would have thrown the past 20 weeks away and decided that it was all a waste of time. Now? I just think that today I will keep to the meal plan and I will continue to lose weight. There are going to be speed bumps along the road for me ( loads of them, I'm sure) but I can feel a change inside ( I cant always feel the external) Internally I know my mindset is shifting. I am being more kind to myself and much more realistic.. I just hope this continues, I'm sure it will.
Until next time cyberworld

Back Again !!!

Another attempt at blogging !!
I started so well with the last one and fizzled after 2. Just been reading some of the 12WBT blogs and felt inspired to add to my post!! Hahaha, do you think that I could remember my password or gmail account...nah uh!! back to the drawing board and 20 minutes and much frustration later I decided to give up and start again.......

So here I am. 2nd round of 12WBT and the 1st round although it started on a high ended in a heap... even though I managed to shift 17kgs my last 2 weeks were terrible. motivation was shot and a few bad habits crept back in...(well no exactly crept more like leapt on me like a huge wet lump of jellyfish) ...remember now (I'm the one who love brackets :) )

I gave myself a talking to and started on round 4 2012 ; began with a squeak, but am now moving quickly towards a decent weight loss for this round.
The round so far:

wk 1: diabolical
wk 2: terrible (as you see getting better)
wk 3: help!!!!!!!!!!
wk 4: Okay
wk 5: Forget it, its Christmas
wk 6: OMG I lost weight even though it was Christmas and the New Year!!
Week 7: Sitting on 8kg lost since start.

That's should make me feel great... (shouldn't it?) but I find myself looking at all of these other 12WBT heros and heroines who have shed 20+ kilos and I can't see how my body has changed.

Now I know I need to start to take a long hard look at my inner self (ewww, tried that before and didn't like it) and get over this issue of body dismorphia that seems to have perched itself on my shoulder and be nagging in my ear.

There are a lot of things that I need to change about myself for this year. Attitude is on top of the list.  Starting up my blog again is my first step in making myself accountable.