Band Aids! (Rip it off)

Fellow travellers we reach the end of another 12WBT round and it's time to reflect on the round that was.
Firstly I have to say, what kind of stupid fool decides to do a strict eating plan over Christmas?
Well, that fool is me!
After a great start to round 3 and limping in at the finish I knew my road ahead was going to be a tough one. I knew that if I was to make the REAL change (the one inside) I had to re commit to the program. So despite not following the last 2 weeks of round 3 I persevered. At that point 4 friends(who had been watching my progress on facebook) told me that they felt so inspired by my weightloss, that they too were joining the program. This was both an ego boast and a fright at the same time.
Now I couldn't fail! What would I say to these people?
More importantly what would I say to myself?
So for round 4 2012, I decided that maybe I was going to be okay. Unfortunately the last two weeks of round 3 intensified into the first 4 weeks of round 4. I didn't gain weight but I wasn't watching the type of food I ate, just the calories. Christmas came and I had my own epiphany (no I was not under the influence) My psyche needs to be fixed as well as my body. Unless my mindset was on the right track my weightloss wouldn't be. My perception of food was my undoing, I didn't see food as a fuel, I saw it as a band aid for my soul. A one stop fix it all shop. That thinking is what got me to this point. The belief that, no matter how much I hurt inside, a doughnut could fix it, but that one doughnut would turn into 12 doughnuts and while I was eating them I forgot my troubles but when they were gone I hated myself more (sound familiar?)

If Round 4 was not going to become a total washout then I had to rethink my whole life. So I decided to become totally accountable and open up my most painful experiences and thoughts to public scrutiny. So I started a blog (yes, fellow travellers, this blog) I set about cauterizing those wounds and ripping off the band aid. I exposed myself (no, do not avert your eyes, METAPHORICALLY people) and just said it as it was. I was amazed that it really worked, I started to feel better about myself and where I was going. I laughed more often, heartier and longer than I ever did. I started to like myself.
My weight loss this round was not as great as my first round. I went from 107kgs to 94kgs. But I have gained so much spiritually, emotionally and personally that I can say that this round has been a resounding success. Which has taught me that there are a myriad of wins along the way.
It's not about the weight. It's about what got you there in the first place.
Will I be travelling this road for another round. Absolutely fellow travellers, I'm walking right beside you :)

The Problem with Boobs!!

You see fellow traveller the problem with boobs is that we are never satisfied with what we have.I have always been generously proportioned in the chest area. It was almost as though I woke up one day and had gone from nothing straight into a DD+ cup. (My nickname was 3tits, because one of my wonderful friends pointed out that there was far too much boob for 2)

I have been carrying these things around for a very long time and they have rewarded me with back ache, neck ache and headaches. I have had meetings with male colleagues where it was nigh on ompossible to get them to move their eyes further up my body to meet my eyes. I hated those boobs and felt that they were also a source of my problems. I did, almost, get them reduced to a more managable size. I got as far as walking through the hospital door and just turned around and ran out, well I walked rather quickly, girls with big boobs don't run (Our appendages have a habit of becoming pendulums). From that day on I decided to embrace the girls. Finding a bra has always been an issue ( I once walked into a large UK store looking for a bra and horrified the manager by complaining loudly that they didnt go above a DD) When I was pregnant with my daughter I had to get some specially made bras. But I still love my puppies, they have been with me throughout my yoyo dieting and my bouts of anorexia, they have never let me down.

They may not be pert and peppy but they are womanly and sexy. Doing exercise can be a pain (literally) but I just strap those girls up to with in an inch of their lives and we bounce like a rappers boo. The reason I have felt it necessary to divest myself of these thoughts fellow travellers is because by accepting my boobs I realise that I am accepting the whole ME, not just the bits that are aesthetically pleasing, the warts and all me. I used to believe that my life would be so much better with perky and pert, but now I realise that I am happy with my large pendulus breasts (as Adenia would say)  I am now realising that all of me has worth, that is a massive change in my psyche and is one more reason why I know that I will achieve this task that I have set myself.
I realise that the road we are travelling involves stopping at all of those places that we would usually walk on past, but I know that I can't run away from those pitstops. I need to stop, take time and reflect on why I always ran past. By really looking at the place we can find the beauty, it may be hidden but it will always be there. Fellow travellers we just have to stop there long enough to find it.

Once more unto the breach! (dear friends)

Yes, fellow travellers that time again,
 Back to School
Bitter Sweet, the mum in me says YAY, the teacher in me is groaning.
Where did all the time go?
 How am I going to fit it all in?
But: I am going back to school a far different person from the one who started these holidays.
Not only is my body clean but my mind has followed suit (no, I still have those thoughts when watching Magic Mike :)) I mean my mind is free from most of the clutter that previously had me doubting myself and disliking the person I was.
I am walking into those school gates feeling like I can take on the world without all of the armour that I had. Over 30kgs less armour. (Big Grin)

I'm feeling invincible right now and waiting for those little darlings to "bring it on!"

Keep watching this space as I am sure that the term ahead will be fraught with incredible highs and some disappointing lows. I am stronger, fitter, fiercer and more fabulous than the person who said goodbye 7 short weeks ago. I am not coming out fighting anymore. I am a calmer more self assured person. I will stand my ground in a calm, quiet and compassionate way. (Although I am sure my mouth with run away with itself at times) I am no longer that person who hides within a shell. I have broken out fellow travellers.... So those haters better WATCH OUT !!!!!!!

Revolutionary ( I am not revolting)

A gorgeous person posted on her blog that she had a word for the year which mirrored her hopes for 2013. I, fellow travellers, (not to be outdone) had to consider my 2013 word. A lot was riding on this decision because it is to be the word that personifies my year.

Racking my brain cell took far longer than I expected and gave me a headache but eventually one word reoccurred "Revolutionary" (No, I am not about to band a team of able and willing participants to overthrow dear ole Julia ) I am changing; my life, my fitness, my outlook, my choices.

What is the definition of my 2013 and what does it mean to me (cue dictionary.com)

radically new or innovative; outside or beyond established procedure, principles, etc.: a revolutionary discovery.

My previous principles and procedures, overeating, running away, procrastination are all going to be a thing of the past.

No more over eating, no more hiding in a bag of donuts or reaching for the chocolate aisle.

I am facing my demons head on and whooping arse. I will get my promotion this year and become the amazing advocate for Students with Disabilities that I know I can be. No thing or person will deter me from revolutionising my life. I am the conductor of my destiny and I will surround myself with positive like minded people. It is easy to be drawn in by the machinations and moaning of others, but this year I will simply hold up my hand and utilise that (adorable!!) teenage saying "talk to this, cause the ears ain't listening"

I am evolving and moving outside of my comfort zone (my established procedures and habits) It won't be an easy road fellow travellers, but you more than anyone know this. There is no map or compass, just determination and the will to make my year REVOLUTIONARY!!!!!!!!!

Eat the Chocolate? (not today thanks)

The past couple of days, after my epic self acknowledgement, have been pretty difficult. What is it about overwhelming emotion that makes us head for the chocolate aisle?
Instead of becoming totally overwhelmed I decided to take a good look at the inspiration and motivation for my weight loss.

Motivation has really come from my 2 men. Hubby and lil man, I want to be around for a lot longer. I want to live an amazing life with them and laugh, love, live, and have fun.

Inspiration has come from the most unlikely source (for me anyway) and that is the ladies of the #12WBT 30 plus group. They are an amazing group of wonderful people, who are walking the same track as me and happy to share their experiences.

This road we are travelling makes us question our lives, our motives, our determination and our abilities. I question myself constantly;

Can I do it?

Am I worth it?

Will I succeed?

the answer to all of these questions is YES! YES! YES
I may have a taste of those naughty but nice things, but it will be a taste not a trough ( I could lose my nose in a bag of donuts and not come up for air.)

I am here for the long haul fellow travellers, although I'm shrugging off the excess Truck weight and moving my arse into an sleek and sporty Aston Martin :)

 

Weigh Responsibly!

I realised today that my days have been defined by the reading on a set of scales.
Whether I had a good day or a bad day became absolutely dependent upon my weight loss.
How has it come to this?

 My day should be defined by the fact that I have woken up safe, sound, secure and loved in my own home.
It should be defined by the wonderful, amazing people that I have in my life. It should be determined by me. Not a number in a window, not the total loss for the day or week. I had once again allowed my weight to control me and define me.

Well! No longer fellow travellers.

No longer will I wake up in the middle of the night and "just step on the scales" no longer will  I visit the bathroom 12 times in a day "just to check"

I will purchase a set of good scales.
I will only step on them twice a week (Weigh in day and Sunday)
I will allow my husband to hide them.
I will weigh responsibly !!

This obsession has now officially been declared and I am waging war on those numbers.
Fellow travellers if you read this and see even a glimmer of yourselves please remember always

WEIGH RESPONSIBLY

Loving Life (A New Concept)

It's true I really do feel like I am loving life. Don't get me wrong, I am not where I want to be by any stretch of the imagination, but I know I will get there.
That is the difference "I know I WILL get there" I don't feel like I am pushing through a wall of fog anymore. I am really loving the journey.
A #12WBT friend wrote on her blog about excuses. I don't really thing I made excuses, but I did make bad decisions based on my feelings at the time. Those feelings were deeply flawed, but, if I had not made those decisions, I may not have reached this point. I have taken ownership of the decisions I made (good and bad) and I am moving on.

Every decision that I made was shaped by some event in my life at the time. I have made HUGE mistakes and I have had HUGE triumphs. Isn't that what life is about?
The difference is that now I won't reflect on the mistakes, I will reflect on my triumphs and try and learn from mistakes and disappointments.
I will not run away anymore. If you asked me 20 weeks ago if I ran, I would have told you to stick your head in because "you don't know me". Now I say "Yes! that was the old me" Now I will stay and take ownership of all my actions and accept the consequences.

I am loving life and laughing more and "not sweating the small stuff" I appreciate my life, my job and my family more than I ever have because, I realise... I cannot do this alone. I do need people I love in my life. I am not indestructible. But, I also know that this doesn't make me weak. It makes me human. With all of the failings of a human being. I am sitting at the computer writing this and smiling. I can't remember the last time that I smiled so much. :) :) :)

Fellow Travellers I am more than ready to continue this interesting, painful, overwhelming and uplifting road with you. BRING IT ON !!!