Life's a Stage

Fellow travellers, everything in life has stages;

Stages of life

Stages of Change

Stages of Grief

SO, it occurred to me that since beginning my travels my dieting has gone through stages also.
Before we even begin our travels along the dieting highway we go through the same 5 stages of grieving that happens when we experience the passing of a loved one ( let's face it fellow travellers: We have loved our Junk Food!)
The stages go something like this:

Denial (“The angle of the camera was all wrong, I'm not that big. The camera adds five kilos. Or fifty.”);
Anger (“Why did I let myself get like that?!”);
Bargaining (“I’ll do something about it. Next week …”);
Depression (“Why bother?”); and, finally,
Acceptance (“Time to get off your fat arse and do something about your life").

At this stage we have decided
I AM GOING TO DO IT! THE EXTRA KILOS ARE GOING!
This is when our dieting stages really begin:

The Commitment Phase;

You've committed to your diet and a state of euphoria has set in. You are doing everything right and watching each step to ensure you don't fail. You see successes and love your new routines. You are happy, blissful even. You believe that this is going to work. You love your new lifestyle, it loves you back.


The Honeymoon Phase

you have been religious in your choices and the results are starting to happen, clothes are looser and scales are lighter. You are feeling at one with your new food partnership, you believe that this is your partner for life. You are complete! But then you realise this takes work, lots of hard work and you start to miss your old life, the grass begins to look greener on the other side of the dieting wall. You start to question if it's all worth it. You question your results, you can't see the differences in yourself and want to run and hide, back to your old carefree existence; this leads into the next phase:


The Trial Separation (Diet Fatigue)

The weight loss starts to plateau, the feelings aren't the same as they were back at the partnership stage; you wonder if you have made the right decision. You miss your food, you miss the comfort, you miss being able to laze in bed and eat to your heart's content. The diet is not living up to its end of the bargain. You start to feel you'll be better off on your own again. Things are starting to get hard, you are having to work harder for the same results. This is the stage that you begin to question yourself and your commitment and ability to achieve. You have a bad day, make the wrong food choices and BANG!!! it's all over. You eat what you want to and reevaluate your decisions to begin this crazy diet. What were you thinking, it's not you. You were meant to be this size, bad genes, heavy bone structure.... and the list goes on. This is the point that we need to do some soul searching and start to get real about ourselves... Look at how and why we got here. Take off the rose coloured glasses and stand naked in front of the mirror of truth. Only once we have done that can we really move on to the next stage.

The Renewing Vows Stage. (Getting back in the Saddle)

This is the stage that we make our goals more realistic. We accept that we won't have the same results as other travellers. This is when we realise that we can only travel in our own trainers (joggers or runners to you Aussies) that our life story, although similar to others is distinct and, although we have the support, encouragement and company of others, the path we travel is unique. At this point we need to stop fixating on numbers and start to incorporate everything we have learned from our trial separation.


The Maintenance Stage.
We may have reached our goals or we may still be working towards that final number, but we realise what we need to do in order to get there. Things are still not easy but you have passed through the previous stages at least once and know what to do when you fall back again. We have accepted that this is a road with many peaks and troughs. That one mistake does not undo the foundations that we have laid.

Does this mean that once the Maintenance Stage is reached we are home free? Absolutely NOT!
This road we have chosen fellow travellers, is one which will sometimes see us walking down the same street, turning back on ourselves or going around in circles. As we reach each stage we work through it, learn and move on.

 

Brain Farts…

As you know fellow traveller and I hope avid readers, I made poor food choices and very nearly lost myself to food again. I retreated for a while and gave myself a swift kick up the backside and a stern talking to. It took a few days to put my head back into the right space. It’s amazing how a brain fart can totally knock you off axis.

I wish that my brain was a logical organ, unfortunately it isn’t. I am a big picture person who finds it difficult to walk one step at a time; I hurtled forward at the pace of stupid. Act now and ask questions later, is my normal modus operandi. This has been my undoing on many occasions and been my triumph on many more. It seems that the things which are my greatest strengths can be my unfailing weakness also.

This time, my brain fart concerned my weight loss and had me questioning my ability to achieve my goals. You see, fellow traveller, I find it hard to do the “make small goals, towards your ultimate goal” philosophy. It just doesn’t compute with my bull at the gate logic. I look at my ultimate goal weight and THAT is what I see. I want it and I want it NOW!!!!

Unfortunately, this was nearly my undoing this round. I had those usual gremlins in my ear… you know the ones… You can’t do it! Don’t be stupid! You know that you’ll put it back on!

 Then, best of all. The one that always shouts the loudest...

WHY BOTHER, IT WON”T WORK ANYWAY?

There is no rhyme or reason as to why my Brain Farts occur or  even when they occur. I realise this is another facet of my complex and sometimes irrational psyche that I need to acknowledge and by doing so attempt to change the impact they have on me.

I have to learn that this is a lifelong pledge, not a quick fix.
Learn that the benefits will be amazing.
Learn that….  I DESERVE IT!!

There will be many more Brain Farts fellow traveller, but with your support, I am learning to push through them.

Crossroads!

I am standing at a Crossroads fellow travellers and wondering which way to head. I look down one road and the path is easy, downhill and well travelled. At the end of this journey is a dark place full of self loathing, but it is a place that I am familiar with and have taken comfort in. The other road is full of obstacles and steep inclines, treacherous crevices dot the way and the road is far less travelled and fraught with pain. At the end of this journey I can see a wonderous place full of sunshine and opportunity. The decision at this point is not an easy one for me. But how have I come to this crossroads, what has led me here?
I am on my 3rd round of 12 WBT and after a fantastic first round, an average second round I am having a rocky third round. It's week 4 and I have no weight loss to show and no decrease in measurement. I am lost. I have put in an exceptional effort with my exercise but my diet has been my nemesis this round. My first week was awesome, but I gained weight. My second week was below par and I lost weight. The third and fourth weeks of this round have seen me do a valiant job with breakfast and lunch but completely blow my eating after work. I haven't gone majorly overboard with calories (always sticking to 1500 and below) but the foods I have eaten have been fat and sugar laden. I'm asking myself  "Is this worth it" "Why am I doing this when I know it won't work in the end? It never does"
I am retreating, this is a bad thing for me. I haven't spoken to anybody about this and that is ringing alarm bells in my head. I don't want to go out, see anyone, talk to anyone. I have been absent from Facebook pages and the 12WBT forum. I have made an amazing friend through 12WBT 30 + page and haven't breathed a word to her. I don't know why, I wish I did. I only know that when I retreat it's never a good thing.

I have tried to analyse it ( I always do) and I know that I reached a milestone last week which may have caused me to spiral into self destructive behaviour. I turned 50. No big deal you might say, but on every other major milestone birthday I managed to create some major self destructive behaviours and had epic meltdowns. When I hit 30 I started to take drugs ( thankfully this didn't last too long). At 40 it was a major self destruct with alcohol and not eating, thankfully I met my husband during this phase which was the catalyst to ending that pattern of self destruction. I am worried that at 50 (a number I have dreaded and didn't admit to) I am doing the same thing by sabotaging my weight loss. I am scared that the road I take may not be the right one for me. I am scared that I will let people down. I am scared that I have a predisposition to self destruct ( in the same way as my father did with alcohol) Fellow travellers in short, I am scared!
I have a song that has always brought me to tears it's called Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls and the lyrics go something like :
 
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

I see myself in some of those lyrics and know that the self destruction and loathing has to stop. I'm just scared that I can't stop it.
Fellow travellers I am sorry if this post is disjointed or doesn't make too much sense. Rather than a considered, well written musing, it has really become a stream of consciousness.
I will retreat for a while and consider my position at these crossroads, but fellow traveller keep your eyes on the path and your compass true, I may just bump into along the way.

Perfectly Imperfect

Fellow travellers I have realised that throughout my life I have strived for perfection; to be the perfect daughter, the perfect mother, the perfect partner. Have a perfect house perfect kids, perfect life. It took me a long time to grasp the fact that these are unattainable ideals, perpetuated by media hype and unrealistic movies. But! I know this and have known this for quite some time. So, why is it that on my weight loss travels I am once again aiming for perfection?

Why do I spend every day trying to be the perfect 12WBT devotee? Why do I look at the scales every weigh day and feel angry at myself because I haven’t hit that perfect weight loss number? (Whatever that may be)

I am conditioned.
Conditioned to believe that, I have to do everything bigger and better than everyone else. I have to be the best, I have to be perfect.

Every weigh in day I furtively glance at the scales and realise that I haven’t achieved the impossible. My weight loss for the last two rounds has not been as dramatic as the first. The last round saw me plodding along towards a weight loss of 9kgs for the round. I thoroughly chastised myself for this and bravely headed into this round believing that this would be the Perfect round (there goes that word again)

Well fellow travellers, it hasn’t been perfect, this week has seen me fall off of the 12WBT eating wagon and eat cake… I have had red flag days this week and I succumbed to temptation. I found that I couldn’t resist the allure of a chocolate birthday cake and had a slice (maybe more than one).
I lurched on to the scales and low and behold my weight loss was a mere 500g (fellow 12WBT 30+ will be shaking their heads at the mention of the word ‘mere’) I was devastated once again to realise that this may be another slow, plod towards the finish line. The magnificent round I had once was a flying start to propel me into this maelstrom of emotional soul searching and slow, steady weight loss.

I metaphorically slapped myself and kicked my arse this morning, because I am the only one who expects me to be perfect and always come out winning. Nobody else puts those pressures on me, it’s all me.

I realised that this is also the reason for my binges and self-loathing, the fact that I am not perfect. I have to unlearn this behaviour in order to move forward.
I am coming to the realisation that I am flawed like every other human being and I can’t always come first or be the top. I have to understand that (although I am awesome); I AM PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!

It’s a long and winding road fellow travellers but we can get there.

Feed the Beast!

It's amazing how obsessed by numbers I have become fellow travellers. It used to be how many doughnuts could I get away with eating in public, now it is how many calories am I consuming.
I am not a mathematician by any means (just ask the Year 8 Maths class I had to cover last week) but I am seeing numbers everywhere I go.

I have Tania scales that give me numbers up the wazoo. Some of them (well, let's be honest, most of them) I do not understand.
I have a Polar HRM that tells me what my heart is doing, calories I have burned and what percentage was fat and cardio.

BUT! Fellow travellers my Nemesis is that small insidious device they call a "Fitbit". This small but perfectly formed gadget sucks you in and bleeds you dry. It taunts you, laughs in your face and will not rest until you feed it. It feeds on numbers, thousands of them. When you walk you feed it. When you sleep it ingests your numbers. You spend your day's feeding this contraption and woe betide you if you haven't given it enough steps, because then fellow traveller, then you have to finish feeding the beast.

When I download my fitbit numbers and realise that not enough calories have been burned, not enough steps taken, it's then that this little contrivance sucks me in... "no" I say to long suffering hubby "I can't go to bed, I only have 1000 more steps, I just need to burn 100 more calories" and I run around the lounge room until that insidious gizmo is fed. Yes I may look like a fool, but I am feeding the beast, becoming the person inside and travelling closer to the best me!
It's then that you realise the fight is lost, give in to the obsession and embrace the numbers, because they my fellow travellers are the key to our conundrum

Kindsight

I recently read a book (yes, fellow travellers I am a reader) in which the main character was asked to write an article on "Being Kind to Yourself". When I started reading this I thought that it was ridiculous. We all know how to be kind to ourselves. Don't we?
As I continued I realised, as the heroine was tucking into a large piece of cheesecake that she had allowed herself as a reward, that we don't know how to be kind to ourselves. We are kind to our spouses, our family, our friends, our children, we are even kinder to strangers than we are to ourselves.
Why? Why is it that we do not feel worthy of  kindness?
We are our own worst critics, we allow others to fail but not ourselves.
We strive for a perfection that doesn't exist and when we don't attain that heady height what do we do? Fellow travellers if you are anything like me, you punish yourself, by hiding behind a barricade of eating and self loathing. We haven't reached an unreachable ideal so we console ourselves. We think we are being kind, but we are back into that trail of self destruction.
These roads we are travelling allow us to take a breath and examine why we chose to begin our journey. This is the first step towards "Kindsight". Not beating ourselves up because we ate that packet of custard creams (you know who you are :) ) but looking back and saying "What have I learned? How can I be kind to myself next time?"
For me that has to start with believing that I do have value and not buying into all of that media hype about being fat and worthless. I have also realised that I have to let go of all of the hurt from my childhood. Let go of all of that anger, bitterness and self loathing. Look at my past and ask myself what it taught me.  It taught me that I am strong, I am resilient and I can overcome adversity. I have value, I have purpose and I am here to be kind to myself and make a difference.
Travelling forward with this knowledge means that I know I can achieve my goals, I can become the person I want to be. Do I believe that
this road will be a straight and easy one? No fellow traveller, it will be full of winding curves and occasionally there will be obstacles in the road, but they will be rocks that can be picked up and thrown to the side or hills that I can climb or mountains that I can traverse. I know that I have value, I know that I have strength and that I am determined enough with KINDSIGHT to succeed.

Healing Hurts!

It has become apparent as I read through the blogs and posts of my fellow travellers that our issues with food and weight are inextricably linked to our self esteem and our childhood experiences. We have all been abused, hurt or derailed by something or someone way back in our formative years.

Along this road I have had time to contemplate my reactions to stress, emotion, pain (physical and emotional) and realised that I always retreat and hide behind food. Usually calorie, sugar laden absolutely bad for me food.

Why don't we pick up a banana instead of a bun? It just doesn't feel the same does it? We cannot wrap ourselves up in the healthy cocoon of a banana, we need that sugar/carb (whatever your poison is) enriched snack that will make us feel bad immediately after the initial rush.

I have a theory that as I am losing weight I am discarding all of those ancient hurts, as each gram dissolves so too does the burden that I am carrying. Every calorie laden treat that I refuse is another transgression against me laid to rest. Every healthy mouthful an accolade to my strength as a person. Every gram gone a testament to my ability to survive. Every time I turn my back on those treats I am running towards me, the real, best me that I can be.

So remember as the realisation hits you, there will be tears and a little pain but YOU are at the other end of this road.