Crossroads!

I am standing at a Crossroads fellow travellers and wondering which way to head. I look down one road and the path is easy, downhill and well travelled. At the end of this journey is a dark place full of self loathing, but it is a place that I am familiar with and have taken comfort in. The other road is full of obstacles and steep inclines, treacherous crevices dot the way and the road is far less travelled and fraught with pain. At the end of this journey I can see a wonderous place full of sunshine and opportunity. The decision at this point is not an easy one for me. But how have I come to this crossroads, what has led me here?
I am on my 3rd round of 12 WBT and after a fantastic first round, an average second round I am having a rocky third round. It's week 4 and I have no weight loss to show and no decrease in measurement. I am lost. I have put in an exceptional effort with my exercise but my diet has been my nemesis this round. My first week was awesome, but I gained weight. My second week was below par and I lost weight. The third and fourth weeks of this round have seen me do a valiant job with breakfast and lunch but completely blow my eating after work. I haven't gone majorly overboard with calories (always sticking to 1500 and below) but the foods I have eaten have been fat and sugar laden. I'm asking myself  "Is this worth it" "Why am I doing this when I know it won't work in the end? It never does"
I am retreating, this is a bad thing for me. I haven't spoken to anybody about this and that is ringing alarm bells in my head. I don't want to go out, see anyone, talk to anyone. I have been absent from Facebook pages and the 12WBT forum. I have made an amazing friend through 12WBT 30 + page and haven't breathed a word to her. I don't know why, I wish I did. I only know that when I retreat it's never a good thing.

I have tried to analyse it ( I always do) and I know that I reached a milestone last week which may have caused me to spiral into self destructive behaviour. I turned 50. No big deal you might say, but on every other major milestone birthday I managed to create some major self destructive behaviours and had epic meltdowns. When I hit 30 I started to take drugs ( thankfully this didn't last too long). At 40 it was a major self destruct with alcohol and not eating, thankfully I met my husband during this phase which was the catalyst to ending that pattern of self destruction. I am worried that at 50 (a number I have dreaded and didn't admit to) I am doing the same thing by sabotaging my weight loss. I am scared that the road I take may not be the right one for me. I am scared that I will let people down. I am scared that I have a predisposition to self destruct ( in the same way as my father did with alcohol) Fellow travellers in short, I am scared!
I have a song that has always brought me to tears it's called Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls and the lyrics go something like :
 
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

I see myself in some of those lyrics and know that the self destruction and loathing has to stop. I'm just scared that I can't stop it.
Fellow travellers I am sorry if this post is disjointed or doesn't make too much sense. Rather than a considered, well written musing, it has really become a stream of consciousness.
I will retreat for a while and consider my position at these crossroads, but fellow traveller keep your eyes on the path and your compass true, I may just bump into along the way.