Moving On!

Once again I have reorganised my priorities, sorted myself out and moving forward along this road.
Fellow travellers I am getting my act in gear and going for it.
I have astounded myself in how I have changed in my reactions to things. I am calmer, happier and much more content, not just with where I am in lfe, but where I am going.
I have started this new round of 12WBT with eyes wide open and doing it my way.
I prepared all of my meals for the week and have printed my menu so I know what I am eating. It's funny but one of the women who vehemently disagreed with an earlier post asked me why I did this plan. I now know why, I'm fundamentaly lazy .... If someone plans out my weekly menu and gives me a shopping list then that works for me. I can blindly follow that path without having to think too much. So I am happy to give my money to this end...but not my story ....
I have once again made myself accountable to all of my friends via my personal facebook.( I don't tend to add randoms, just those near and dear) This keeps me accountable ...I have set my goal for the round 20kgs and thats close to goal weight. I intend to walk everyday and eat to plan..Will I always eat the exact calories.. I'm sure I won't.... but as long as most days I am on the plan and occassionally fall off then what does it matter. I intend to take what I am learning about myself and make it an intrinsic part of everyday.

Diet, Dilemmas and Decisions!!

As you are aware fellow travellers I ventured down south, braved the Melbourne weather and attended the 12WBT workout and finale.


 My weekend began with an early wakeup call and a 2 hour drive (avoiding the myriad of Roos and assorted Australian wildlife) to get to the marina in Airlie to catch the ferry. Arrived at said marina busting for a pee only to find the toilets out of action (was this a premonition of foreboding for the trip?)
Grabbed a coffee and hopped on the ferry to Hamilton Island Airport ( a glorious one hour smooth trip) When I arrived at the airport I found it hard to believe that I really live in such a magnificent part of the world. It is the most amazing place. After a short wait I was on a plane Melbourne bound.

Arriving at Melbourne airport 2 things hit me.. the cold and the Guess shop. Saw the most gorgeous pair of shoes with matching handbag but managed to rein in the urge to acquire them.

Ran out to the baggage pick up, grabbed my luggage and a cup of Gloria Jean's whilst waiting for a friend to arrive. It was at this point I realised just how tech savvy I really am.. I had put my phone onto flight mode (bloody Candy Crush) and was having an issue locating the correct format to change it back. A number of people took great delight in trying to tell me but I was determined to work it out for myself. 20 minutes and much gnashing of teeth and many expletives later the job was done. At which point I rang hubby who told me I should have bought not only the Guess shoes but the matching handbag. ..."I'll get them on the way home" I thought

Called said friend and realised that she was landing at another terminal the arse end of the airport (that's what you get for flying cheap)

We met up and jumped in a cab...since when did all the cab drivers become Indian?... this one also found it difficult to drive (as did most of the cabbies we encountered that weekend) We arrived at our hotel and pretty much started where we meant to end... said friend had brought a couple of boxes of Thornton's chocolates with her (you need to be English to understand the immense joy that brought)

We had one each (how well trained are we?) and headed out on the town. We stopped at a jolly little bar and ordered our first cocktail, of what was to be a long line of cocktails, of the night.

We then spent the rest of the night in TGI Fridays, forgetting the lessons that we had learned the previous 12 weeks... carbs, alcohol, fat, sugar all featured in our menu for that night. Walked back to the hotel..we both looked at each other and decided we needed to barf..so began a long night.

In the morning we grabbed breakie and headed to the 12wbt workout, another perilous cab ride away.

We got to the venue to find hundreds of suitably attired Michelle junkies and queued in the freezing cold for practically everything that was on offer. I was unable to do the workout because of previous surgery,,,so did my dexa scan and we headed out to shop.

That evening after getting our glad rags on we headed to the finale cocktail party. Again more MB junkies who were chomping at the bit to get their taste of Michelle. The cocktails turned out to be beer, wine or cheap sparkling.... the food was abundant and flocks gathered.

MB arrived and people hung on her every word for 10 minutes. Then spent most of the rest of the night trying to get a piece of MB... Not my thing so off back to the hotel I went.

When I came back home I blogged about this 12 WBT phenomenon and my thoughts and impressions of what I saw. This did not go down very well with the fb group and many many private hate messages (and a few in support )later, the link to the blog was removed by the admins..who had also been very uncomplimentary about my post. This I expected, but the thing that I did not expect was that people who I thought would support me remained extremely quiet, alarmingly so despite the fact that they had previously agreed with most of what I had said and actively encouraged me to put this to cyberworld. These people who I would have heard from a few times a day every day have stepped away, no comments on facebook, no messages, no calls... It seems that these people may also value the "game" and feel that to bring upon them the wrath of the admins is to forfeit their chance in this 12WBT merry go round. This makes me sad... not for me but sad that people do not feel able to voice anything that goes against the consensus. No matter how far people come they still want approval from the majority, they still want to be amongst the in-crowd... Striving for acceptance..

Fellow travellers I wish to end with a couple of quotes :

"He who stands for nothing falls for everything"

"When you please others in the hope of being accepted you lose yourself" Dave Pelzer

 

Now't so Queer as Folk

There is a saying in good ole blighty that goes something like "There's now't so queer as folk"for those of you who have no idea what that means (don't worry it's a Northern saying,most people don't) it means that there is nothing stranger than people. Boy! did I find that 0ut this week.
It started with a visit to Melbourne and ended with a facebook debate. Never one to shirk from controversy I posted my feelings about 12WBT on my blog, I didn't expect too much from it ( my blog averages 60 - 100 views pre post)  Fellow travellers how wrong was I ... nothing much eventuated from the blog until someone posted a comment to my link.. then all hell broke loose ...  hours later and 60+ comments to the link, 8 comments on the blog, numerous personal messages ( both of support and declaring me the next spawn of satan) The admins of the fb group (not fans of my blog post) removed the post.

So fellow travellers I have been sitting here pondering my navel and asking the question, Why did my post elicit such a response?
As always ( being the brilliant person I am) I came up with my own answer..
There's Nowt so Queer as Folk...
As travellers we arrived on this road with scars and baggage. The life lessons we have endured that led us to this point have not always been positive ones and more often than not we comforted our pain and insecurities with food... The very thing that got us here in the first place is the very reason that my blog post fuelled such an intense reaction.
We look at things, we watch things, we hear things and
WE TAKE IT PERSONALLY!!!
No remark for us can ever be a throwaway remark, no comment without scrutiny, no look without analysis. Our experiences have taught us to be wary, we expect negative comments about ourselves, because that is what we are used to, that is what life has taught us. That my fellow travellers is how we live. Waiting for the next attack on us.
This road is also about acceptance, both of ourselves and others. Accepting that we are worthy of praise, we are worthy of our own opinions (no matter how far outside the accepted parameters they are) We are worthy of being happy.

This has been a fractured post fellow travellers but I think what I am trying to say is that sometimes we can spend our life worrying about whether a remark or a look is aimed at us when what we should be doing is looking forward. My last words have to be the following quote from Edmund Lee which I have attached to my 12wbt profile;


"Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and the thinkers, but most of all surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you, even when you don't see it yourself"

Making Friends and Influencing People!!!

This is a blog post I have been pondering on long and hard fellow travellers as I believe that it may herald the end of a friendship with some of my fellow 12WBT 30+ group.

I attended the finale of Round 1 2013 this weekend despite my misgivings and have come away from the experience with a more cynical viewpoint of the whole Michelle Bridges 12 WBT merry-go-round.

Before you close the page in disgust let me clarify a few things. I have done 3 rounds of the program ( last round I gained... my fault) and including preseason I have lost over 30 kilos. I have paid my hard earned cash to participate in this and have gone into it with my eyes wide open. I think that the meal plans (on the whole) are well laid out and incredibly tasty and varied ( this is probably due more to an extremely talented group of nutritionist rather than any one person)

I have never kept to the exercise plan so have no comment to make on that.

I have never read a Michelle Bridges 12WBT email (these are set to go directly to Junk)

I have never watched a "mindset video"( I find Michelle's voice and demeanour extremely patronising and irritating)

Therefore the only part of the program that I have found has any significance for me is the food plan. Why do the program then? I hear you roar.

I've thought about that and two reasons spring to mind;

1: I knew I needed to make a change in my life diet and exercise wise.

2: It was there.

Is it any better than any other program that most PTs could devise? Probably not.

So why do I think that this plan is growing in popularity?

After attending the finale this weekend I saw an extreme amount of sycophants and some incredibly clever marketing of what I consider has become nothing more than a game.

All of the hard work and dedication is overlooked in the quest to find the most marketable story at the lowest cost. Yes, it is still about weight loss... there's no sugar coating it, this is a weight loss program... Attending the finale I also saw that this program is also about very strategic game playing. It's about how popular you can become, how many followers you can achieve with your blog. How active you are on the facebook pages. I saw adult women standing in awe of Michelle Bridges, hanging on her every word. Followers of a very well oiled marketing phenomenon rather than a genuine person with charisma and personality.. ( only my opinion ladies )

My husband had always joked about the 12WBT cult ... after witnessing and listening to some of the shenanigans on Saturday I don't wholly disagree with him.

The one thing that I found helped me enormously was the 30+ 12WBT facebook page. When I first joined 3 long rounds ago I found these ladies to be welcoming, supportive and above all generous in spirit. I have seen this page change as the program has changed.. Those supportive and caring women are still there but I have seen some people turn the page into a negative whining forum about how shit their lives are and how other people have let them down or been responsible for their bad day/week/year/life ..... WE ALL HAVE A STORY.... MOST OF US HAVE STRUGGLED

GET OVER IT!!

I have also been disgusted at how there are people on the page who are prepared to lay out their financial struggles to the group in order to gain .. either in the form of sponsorship of rounds or workout gear or runners... DESPICABLE ... Most of the group are genuine, caring and kind hearted and for the very odd (I use that word advisedly) person to take advantage makes my blood boil.

So what am I going to do for next round????

I have joined Round 2 and I will be undertaking the food program and I will be exercising hard. I do intend to lose 20 - 25 kgs as this will take me to goal weight. I intend to hang around the forum (if they will have me now) and I intend to kick the arse out of this round. I will not be submitting my pictures or sharing my story with 12WBT ( I refuse to become their property) I will weigh myself every week and submit it. I will do my stats. I will continue blogging (it helps me gather my thoughts)

I WILL NOT PLAY THE GAME

My final 12WBT question is: Where was the quiet achiever?

Here I Go Again !!!!

Welcome fellow travellers new and previous,this will be my fourth and last round.
I have had ups and downs, highs and lows, losses and gains.
This round sees me at week 11 and having gained 1kg.... OMG!!! I hear everyone gasp....
"How did she manage to do that? Does this program work? What has she been doing?"
In answer to those questions:
 I managed that by having a hysterectomy in week 4 of this round and not being able to exercise, not sticking to the plan totally and being a lil bit lazy.
I have lost over 30kgs in the 3 rounds I have done (including pre season ) Just not this round, so the program can work. I have managed to gain SOOOOOO much this round in terms of my mind set and my self worth... these gains have been wonderful and well worth the extra 1kg.
I am doing this final round because I still have a way to go with my food choices and I know that I can stick to the program and make it work. I'm not in it for any recognition (in fact I won't be submitting my pics this round) I am in it to become the best version of me that I can possibly be. I am in it because I need the structure right now to achieve that. I am in it because my family deserve to have me in their lives for many years to come. I am in it because I deserve to be in their lives and live those years .. Happy and Healthy ... I am in it because it has worked for me. I don't watch the mind set videos and enter into all of the banter (that's not me) But if people ask how I have managed to make positive changes in my life I tell them how and what 12 WBT has done for me.
So fellow travellers I am in this round to kick its arse and finish this cycle of my travels. See you there !!!

The Round That Wasn't

It's been a while since my last blog fellow travellers and for that I apologise. I have been recovering from surgery as you know and have had time to reflect extensively on "The round that wasn't"

I started Round 1 2013 with high expectations and all guns blazing. I intended to be on the top 20 podium come May 4th and no one was going to stop me.

My first week saw me lose 2kgs and should have spurred me on to victory ... YOU THINK? ...

Na ah!! Nothing of the sort, I found out that my surgery was booked for the end of March and it was like a button had been switched off in my head.

Week 2 saw a gain of 3kgs, but that didn't faze me ... I knew it was a blip and that's how I viewed this week. Week 3 saw a loss of 2kgs and, although I didn't realise it at the time, this was to be the last time the scales moved in any direction. My op came and went and was successful, the weeks have gone by (4 weeks now) and still I have not recommitted myself to the programme.

I am finding it difficult not to exercise, which means that I have now committed to including this in my life. I am finding it difficult to stick to the eating plan (which means I still have a way to go with food) I have not found it difficult to stick to 1200 calories ( my portion sizes and self control are better)

I have signed up for round 2 and this will be my final round. I expect to leave that round having reached goal weight, or very near to, and being able to eat in a far more healthy way.

For me Round 1 has not been a total waste of time, psychologically I am much more able to control food rather than have it control me. I am definitely happier in myself and learning not to bother with people who really don't feature in my life. I am learning to enjoy food, rather than use it as a crutch. I have acquired a new and already dear friend and I am learning not to be defined by numbers. My HRM has been dormant for the past 6 weeks and my fitbit and scales are used sporadically. I walk with my head held high and a smile on my face. I relish every day and I laugh so much more.
There is still work to do but in the words of my role model I'm "not bröken just bent" I can fix me, I just needed to realise it.

Round 1 has seen me gain 1kg, lose a uterus and find ME!!!

Consumed.

It has been a while since my last post fellow travellers, so I begin with an apology.
Since my last post there have been many changes in my life. I have undergone a hysterectomy and am trying to rest and heal, those who know me will understand that I am not good at being, I am much better at doing. Prior to my surgery, I once again looked inwards to try to unravel the inner workings of my issues with food and weight. I realised, pre surgery, that this isn't a sprint to the finish line, this is a constant road that will be traversed for the rest of my life. Things that I do now will never be quick fixes, because once I reach my goal weight there will be other issues that need to be faced.
What I realised, fellow travellers, was that I had become consumed with the need to lose weight... my daily mantra was "exercise much and eat little". All of the other things in my life were starting to take second place. This is the wrong way for me. Yes, I need to lose weight. Yes, I need to exercise. But not to the detriment of other things, not at the cost of all else.
It's then that I decided I wasn't going to worry about my weight loss for this round (my surgery in week 7 would mean that the last 6 weeks would be difficult anyway) What I was going to worry about was getting healthy, physically and emotionally, if a side benefit of this was weight loss then even better.

I realised that I had spent a great deal of time beating up on myself for not losing one week or (heaven forbid) actally gaining. All of this too, is self destructive. I am good at that, switching reasons to beat up on myself, many people are. This round has taught me that if I can't be kind and forgiving of myself, then how can any one else? If I can accept these same traits in others, then why not accept them as a part of me? If I don't see these issues as weaknesses in others, then why do I feel weak?
This round fellow travellers I have allowed myself to just BE!

Be kind to myself!
Be responsible for my actions!
Be reasonable in my expectations!
Be understanding of my flaws!
Be realistic about my goals!
Be Patient!
Be happy!!!

Life's a Stage

Fellow travellers, everything in life has stages;

Stages of life

Stages of Change

Stages of Grief

SO, it occurred to me that since beginning my travels my dieting has gone through stages also.
Before we even begin our travels along the dieting highway we go through the same 5 stages of grieving that happens when we experience the passing of a loved one ( let's face it fellow travellers: We have loved our Junk Food!)
The stages go something like this:

Denial (“The angle of the camera was all wrong, I'm not that big. The camera adds five kilos. Or fifty.”);
Anger (“Why did I let myself get like that?!”);
Bargaining (“I’ll do something about it. Next week …”);
Depression (“Why bother?”); and, finally,
Acceptance (“Time to get off your fat arse and do something about your life").

At this stage we have decided
I AM GOING TO DO IT! THE EXTRA KILOS ARE GOING!
This is when our dieting stages really begin:

The Commitment Phase;

You've committed to your diet and a state of euphoria has set in. You are doing everything right and watching each step to ensure you don't fail. You see successes and love your new routines. You are happy, blissful even. You believe that this is going to work. You love your new lifestyle, it loves you back.


The Honeymoon Phase

you have been religious in your choices and the results are starting to happen, clothes are looser and scales are lighter. You are feeling at one with your new food partnership, you believe that this is your partner for life. You are complete! But then you realise this takes work, lots of hard work and you start to miss your old life, the grass begins to look greener on the other side of the dieting wall. You start to question if it's all worth it. You question your results, you can't see the differences in yourself and want to run and hide, back to your old carefree existence; this leads into the next phase:


The Trial Separation (Diet Fatigue)

The weight loss starts to plateau, the feelings aren't the same as they were back at the partnership stage; you wonder if you have made the right decision. You miss your food, you miss the comfort, you miss being able to laze in bed and eat to your heart's content. The diet is not living up to its end of the bargain. You start to feel you'll be better off on your own again. Things are starting to get hard, you are having to work harder for the same results. This is the stage that you begin to question yourself and your commitment and ability to achieve. You have a bad day, make the wrong food choices and BANG!!! it's all over. You eat what you want to and reevaluate your decisions to begin this crazy diet. What were you thinking, it's not you. You were meant to be this size, bad genes, heavy bone structure.... and the list goes on. This is the point that we need to do some soul searching and start to get real about ourselves... Look at how and why we got here. Take off the rose coloured glasses and stand naked in front of the mirror of truth. Only once we have done that can we really move on to the next stage.

The Renewing Vows Stage. (Getting back in the Saddle)

This is the stage that we make our goals more realistic. We accept that we won't have the same results as other travellers. This is when we realise that we can only travel in our own trainers (joggers or runners to you Aussies) that our life story, although similar to others is distinct and, although we have the support, encouragement and company of others, the path we travel is unique. At this point we need to stop fixating on numbers and start to incorporate everything we have learned from our trial separation.


The Maintenance Stage.
We may have reached our goals or we may still be working towards that final number, but we realise what we need to do in order to get there. Things are still not easy but you have passed through the previous stages at least once and know what to do when you fall back again. We have accepted that this is a road with many peaks and troughs. That one mistake does not undo the foundations that we have laid.

Does this mean that once the Maintenance Stage is reached we are home free? Absolutely NOT!
This road we have chosen fellow travellers, is one which will sometimes see us walking down the same street, turning back on ourselves or going around in circles. As we reach each stage we work through it, learn and move on.

 

Brain Farts…

As you know fellow traveller and I hope avid readers, I made poor food choices and very nearly lost myself to food again. I retreated for a while and gave myself a swift kick up the backside and a stern talking to. It took a few days to put my head back into the right space. It’s amazing how a brain fart can totally knock you off axis.

I wish that my brain was a logical organ, unfortunately it isn’t. I am a big picture person who finds it difficult to walk one step at a time; I hurtled forward at the pace of stupid. Act now and ask questions later, is my normal modus operandi. This has been my undoing on many occasions and been my triumph on many more. It seems that the things which are my greatest strengths can be my unfailing weakness also.

This time, my brain fart concerned my weight loss and had me questioning my ability to achieve my goals. You see, fellow traveller, I find it hard to do the “make small goals, towards your ultimate goal” philosophy. It just doesn’t compute with my bull at the gate logic. I look at my ultimate goal weight and THAT is what I see. I want it and I want it NOW!!!!

Unfortunately, this was nearly my undoing this round. I had those usual gremlins in my ear… you know the ones… You can’t do it! Don’t be stupid! You know that you’ll put it back on!

 Then, best of all. The one that always shouts the loudest...

WHY BOTHER, IT WON”T WORK ANYWAY?

There is no rhyme or reason as to why my Brain Farts occur or  even when they occur. I realise this is another facet of my complex and sometimes irrational psyche that I need to acknowledge and by doing so attempt to change the impact they have on me.

I have to learn that this is a lifelong pledge, not a quick fix.
Learn that the benefits will be amazing.
Learn that….  I DESERVE IT!!

There will be many more Brain Farts fellow traveller, but with your support, I am learning to push through them.

Crossroads!

I am standing at a Crossroads fellow travellers and wondering which way to head. I look down one road and the path is easy, downhill and well travelled. At the end of this journey is a dark place full of self loathing, but it is a place that I am familiar with and have taken comfort in. The other road is full of obstacles and steep inclines, treacherous crevices dot the way and the road is far less travelled and fraught with pain. At the end of this journey I can see a wonderous place full of sunshine and opportunity. The decision at this point is not an easy one for me. But how have I come to this crossroads, what has led me here?
I am on my 3rd round of 12 WBT and after a fantastic first round, an average second round I am having a rocky third round. It's week 4 and I have no weight loss to show and no decrease in measurement. I am lost. I have put in an exceptional effort with my exercise but my diet has been my nemesis this round. My first week was awesome, but I gained weight. My second week was below par and I lost weight. The third and fourth weeks of this round have seen me do a valiant job with breakfast and lunch but completely blow my eating after work. I haven't gone majorly overboard with calories (always sticking to 1500 and below) but the foods I have eaten have been fat and sugar laden. I'm asking myself  "Is this worth it" "Why am I doing this when I know it won't work in the end? It never does"
I am retreating, this is a bad thing for me. I haven't spoken to anybody about this and that is ringing alarm bells in my head. I don't want to go out, see anyone, talk to anyone. I have been absent from Facebook pages and the 12WBT forum. I have made an amazing friend through 12WBT 30 + page and haven't breathed a word to her. I don't know why, I wish I did. I only know that when I retreat it's never a good thing.

I have tried to analyse it ( I always do) and I know that I reached a milestone last week which may have caused me to spiral into self destructive behaviour. I turned 50. No big deal you might say, but on every other major milestone birthday I managed to create some major self destructive behaviours and had epic meltdowns. When I hit 30 I started to take drugs ( thankfully this didn't last too long). At 40 it was a major self destruct with alcohol and not eating, thankfully I met my husband during this phase which was the catalyst to ending that pattern of self destruction. I am worried that at 50 (a number I have dreaded and didn't admit to) I am doing the same thing by sabotaging my weight loss. I am scared that the road I take may not be the right one for me. I am scared that I will let people down. I am scared that I have a predisposition to self destruct ( in the same way as my father did with alcohol) Fellow travellers in short, I am scared!
I have a song that has always brought me to tears it's called Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls and the lyrics go something like :
 
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

I see myself in some of those lyrics and know that the self destruction and loathing has to stop. I'm just scared that I can't stop it.
Fellow travellers I am sorry if this post is disjointed or doesn't make too much sense. Rather than a considered, well written musing, it has really become a stream of consciousness.
I will retreat for a while and consider my position at these crossroads, but fellow traveller keep your eyes on the path and your compass true, I may just bump into along the way.

Perfectly Imperfect

Fellow travellers I have realised that throughout my life I have strived for perfection; to be the perfect daughter, the perfect mother, the perfect partner. Have a perfect house perfect kids, perfect life. It took me a long time to grasp the fact that these are unattainable ideals, perpetuated by media hype and unrealistic movies. But! I know this and have known this for quite some time. So, why is it that on my weight loss travels I am once again aiming for perfection?

Why do I spend every day trying to be the perfect 12WBT devotee? Why do I look at the scales every weigh day and feel angry at myself because I haven’t hit that perfect weight loss number? (Whatever that may be)

I am conditioned.
Conditioned to believe that, I have to do everything bigger and better than everyone else. I have to be the best, I have to be perfect.

Every weigh in day I furtively glance at the scales and realise that I haven’t achieved the impossible. My weight loss for the last two rounds has not been as dramatic as the first. The last round saw me plodding along towards a weight loss of 9kgs for the round. I thoroughly chastised myself for this and bravely headed into this round believing that this would be the Perfect round (there goes that word again)

Well fellow travellers, it hasn’t been perfect, this week has seen me fall off of the 12WBT eating wagon and eat cake… I have had red flag days this week and I succumbed to temptation. I found that I couldn’t resist the allure of a chocolate birthday cake and had a slice (maybe more than one).
I lurched on to the scales and low and behold my weight loss was a mere 500g (fellow 12WBT 30+ will be shaking their heads at the mention of the word ‘mere’) I was devastated once again to realise that this may be another slow, plod towards the finish line. The magnificent round I had once was a flying start to propel me into this maelstrom of emotional soul searching and slow, steady weight loss.

I metaphorically slapped myself and kicked my arse this morning, because I am the only one who expects me to be perfect and always come out winning. Nobody else puts those pressures on me, it’s all me.

I realised that this is also the reason for my binges and self-loathing, the fact that I am not perfect. I have to unlearn this behaviour in order to move forward.
I am coming to the realisation that I am flawed like every other human being and I can’t always come first or be the top. I have to understand that (although I am awesome); I AM PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!

It’s a long and winding road fellow travellers but we can get there.

Feed the Beast!

It's amazing how obsessed by numbers I have become fellow travellers. It used to be how many doughnuts could I get away with eating in public, now it is how many calories am I consuming.
I am not a mathematician by any means (just ask the Year 8 Maths class I had to cover last week) but I am seeing numbers everywhere I go.

I have Tania scales that give me numbers up the wazoo. Some of them (well, let's be honest, most of them) I do not understand.
I have a Polar HRM that tells me what my heart is doing, calories I have burned and what percentage was fat and cardio.

BUT! Fellow travellers my Nemesis is that small insidious device they call a "Fitbit". This small but perfectly formed gadget sucks you in and bleeds you dry. It taunts you, laughs in your face and will not rest until you feed it. It feeds on numbers, thousands of them. When you walk you feed it. When you sleep it ingests your numbers. You spend your day's feeding this contraption and woe betide you if you haven't given it enough steps, because then fellow traveller, then you have to finish feeding the beast.

When I download my fitbit numbers and realise that not enough calories have been burned, not enough steps taken, it's then that this little contrivance sucks me in... "no" I say to long suffering hubby "I can't go to bed, I only have 1000 more steps, I just need to burn 100 more calories" and I run around the lounge room until that insidious gizmo is fed. Yes I may look like a fool, but I am feeding the beast, becoming the person inside and travelling closer to the best me!
It's then that you realise the fight is lost, give in to the obsession and embrace the numbers, because they my fellow travellers are the key to our conundrum

Kindsight

I recently read a book (yes, fellow travellers I am a reader) in which the main character was asked to write an article on "Being Kind to Yourself". When I started reading this I thought that it was ridiculous. We all know how to be kind to ourselves. Don't we?
As I continued I realised, as the heroine was tucking into a large piece of cheesecake that she had allowed herself as a reward, that we don't know how to be kind to ourselves. We are kind to our spouses, our family, our friends, our children, we are even kinder to strangers than we are to ourselves.
Why? Why is it that we do not feel worthy of  kindness?
We are our own worst critics, we allow others to fail but not ourselves.
We strive for a perfection that doesn't exist and when we don't attain that heady height what do we do? Fellow travellers if you are anything like me, you punish yourself, by hiding behind a barricade of eating and self loathing. We haven't reached an unreachable ideal so we console ourselves. We think we are being kind, but we are back into that trail of self destruction.
These roads we are travelling allow us to take a breath and examine why we chose to begin our journey. This is the first step towards "Kindsight". Not beating ourselves up because we ate that packet of custard creams (you know who you are :) ) but looking back and saying "What have I learned? How can I be kind to myself next time?"
For me that has to start with believing that I do have value and not buying into all of that media hype about being fat and worthless. I have also realised that I have to let go of all of the hurt from my childhood. Let go of all of that anger, bitterness and self loathing. Look at my past and ask myself what it taught me.  It taught me that I am strong, I am resilient and I can overcome adversity. I have value, I have purpose and I am here to be kind to myself and make a difference.
Travelling forward with this knowledge means that I know I can achieve my goals, I can become the person I want to be. Do I believe that
this road will be a straight and easy one? No fellow traveller, it will be full of winding curves and occasionally there will be obstacles in the road, but they will be rocks that can be picked up and thrown to the side or hills that I can climb or mountains that I can traverse. I know that I have value, I know that I have strength and that I am determined enough with KINDSIGHT to succeed.

Healing Hurts!

It has become apparent as I read through the blogs and posts of my fellow travellers that our issues with food and weight are inextricably linked to our self esteem and our childhood experiences. We have all been abused, hurt or derailed by something or someone way back in our formative years.

Along this road I have had time to contemplate my reactions to stress, emotion, pain (physical and emotional) and realised that I always retreat and hide behind food. Usually calorie, sugar laden absolutely bad for me food.

Why don't we pick up a banana instead of a bun? It just doesn't feel the same does it? We cannot wrap ourselves up in the healthy cocoon of a banana, we need that sugar/carb (whatever your poison is) enriched snack that will make us feel bad immediately after the initial rush.

I have a theory that as I am losing weight I am discarding all of those ancient hurts, as each gram dissolves so too does the burden that I am carrying. Every calorie laden treat that I refuse is another transgression against me laid to rest. Every healthy mouthful an accolade to my strength as a person. Every gram gone a testament to my ability to survive. Every time I turn my back on those treats I am running towards me, the real, best me that I can be.

So remember as the realisation hits you, there will be tears and a little pain but YOU are at the other end of this road.

Band Aids! (Rip it off)

Fellow travellers we reach the end of another 12WBT round and it's time to reflect on the round that was.
Firstly I have to say, what kind of stupid fool decides to do a strict eating plan over Christmas?
Well, that fool is me!
After a great start to round 3 and limping in at the finish I knew my road ahead was going to be a tough one. I knew that if I was to make the REAL change (the one inside) I had to re commit to the program. So despite not following the last 2 weeks of round 3 I persevered. At that point 4 friends(who had been watching my progress on facebook) told me that they felt so inspired by my weightloss, that they too were joining the program. This was both an ego boast and a fright at the same time.
Now I couldn't fail! What would I say to these people?
More importantly what would I say to myself?
So for round 4 2012, I decided that maybe I was going to be okay. Unfortunately the last two weeks of round 3 intensified into the first 4 weeks of round 4. I didn't gain weight but I wasn't watching the type of food I ate, just the calories. Christmas came and I had my own epiphany (no I was not under the influence) My psyche needs to be fixed as well as my body. Unless my mindset was on the right track my weightloss wouldn't be. My perception of food was my undoing, I didn't see food as a fuel, I saw it as a band aid for my soul. A one stop fix it all shop. That thinking is what got me to this point. The belief that, no matter how much I hurt inside, a doughnut could fix it, but that one doughnut would turn into 12 doughnuts and while I was eating them I forgot my troubles but when they were gone I hated myself more (sound familiar?)

If Round 4 was not going to become a total washout then I had to rethink my whole life. So I decided to become totally accountable and open up my most painful experiences and thoughts to public scrutiny. So I started a blog (yes, fellow travellers, this blog) I set about cauterizing those wounds and ripping off the band aid. I exposed myself (no, do not avert your eyes, METAPHORICALLY people) and just said it as it was. I was amazed that it really worked, I started to feel better about myself and where I was going. I laughed more often, heartier and longer than I ever did. I started to like myself.
My weight loss this round was not as great as my first round. I went from 107kgs to 94kgs. But I have gained so much spiritually, emotionally and personally that I can say that this round has been a resounding success. Which has taught me that there are a myriad of wins along the way.
It's not about the weight. It's about what got you there in the first place.
Will I be travelling this road for another round. Absolutely fellow travellers, I'm walking right beside you :)

The Problem with Boobs!!

You see fellow traveller the problem with boobs is that we are never satisfied with what we have.I have always been generously proportioned in the chest area. It was almost as though I woke up one day and had gone from nothing straight into a DD+ cup. (My nickname was 3tits, because one of my wonderful friends pointed out that there was far too much boob for 2)

I have been carrying these things around for a very long time and they have rewarded me with back ache, neck ache and headaches. I have had meetings with male colleagues where it was nigh on ompossible to get them to move their eyes further up my body to meet my eyes. I hated those boobs and felt that they were also a source of my problems. I did, almost, get them reduced to a more managable size. I got as far as walking through the hospital door and just turned around and ran out, well I walked rather quickly, girls with big boobs don't run (Our appendages have a habit of becoming pendulums). From that day on I decided to embrace the girls. Finding a bra has always been an issue ( I once walked into a large UK store looking for a bra and horrified the manager by complaining loudly that they didnt go above a DD) When I was pregnant with my daughter I had to get some specially made bras. But I still love my puppies, they have been with me throughout my yoyo dieting and my bouts of anorexia, they have never let me down.

They may not be pert and peppy but they are womanly and sexy. Doing exercise can be a pain (literally) but I just strap those girls up to with in an inch of their lives and we bounce like a rappers boo. The reason I have felt it necessary to divest myself of these thoughts fellow travellers is because by accepting my boobs I realise that I am accepting the whole ME, not just the bits that are aesthetically pleasing, the warts and all me. I used to believe that my life would be so much better with perky and pert, but now I realise that I am happy with my large pendulus breasts (as Adenia would say)  I am now realising that all of me has worth, that is a massive change in my psyche and is one more reason why I know that I will achieve this task that I have set myself.
I realise that the road we are travelling involves stopping at all of those places that we would usually walk on past, but I know that I can't run away from those pitstops. I need to stop, take time and reflect on why I always ran past. By really looking at the place we can find the beauty, it may be hidden but it will always be there. Fellow travellers we just have to stop there long enough to find it.

Once more unto the breach! (dear friends)

Yes, fellow travellers that time again,
 Back to School
Bitter Sweet, the mum in me says YAY, the teacher in me is groaning.
Where did all the time go?
 How am I going to fit it all in?
But: I am going back to school a far different person from the one who started these holidays.
Not only is my body clean but my mind has followed suit (no, I still have those thoughts when watching Magic Mike :)) I mean my mind is free from most of the clutter that previously had me doubting myself and disliking the person I was.
I am walking into those school gates feeling like I can take on the world without all of the armour that I had. Over 30kgs less armour. (Big Grin)

I'm feeling invincible right now and waiting for those little darlings to "bring it on!"

Keep watching this space as I am sure that the term ahead will be fraught with incredible highs and some disappointing lows. I am stronger, fitter, fiercer and more fabulous than the person who said goodbye 7 short weeks ago. I am not coming out fighting anymore. I am a calmer more self assured person. I will stand my ground in a calm, quiet and compassionate way. (Although I am sure my mouth with run away with itself at times) I am no longer that person who hides within a shell. I have broken out fellow travellers.... So those haters better WATCH OUT !!!!!!!

Revolutionary ( I am not revolting)

A gorgeous person posted on her blog that she had a word for the year which mirrored her hopes for 2013. I, fellow travellers, (not to be outdone) had to consider my 2013 word. A lot was riding on this decision because it is to be the word that personifies my year.

Racking my brain cell took far longer than I expected and gave me a headache but eventually one word reoccurred "Revolutionary" (No, I am not about to band a team of able and willing participants to overthrow dear ole Julia ) I am changing; my life, my fitness, my outlook, my choices.

What is the definition of my 2013 and what does it mean to me (cue dictionary.com)

radically new or innovative; outside or beyond established procedure, principles, etc.: a revolutionary discovery.

My previous principles and procedures, overeating, running away, procrastination are all going to be a thing of the past.

No more over eating, no more hiding in a bag of donuts or reaching for the chocolate aisle.

I am facing my demons head on and whooping arse. I will get my promotion this year and become the amazing advocate for Students with Disabilities that I know I can be. No thing or person will deter me from revolutionising my life. I am the conductor of my destiny and I will surround myself with positive like minded people. It is easy to be drawn in by the machinations and moaning of others, but this year I will simply hold up my hand and utilise that (adorable!!) teenage saying "talk to this, cause the ears ain't listening"

I am evolving and moving outside of my comfort zone (my established procedures and habits) It won't be an easy road fellow travellers, but you more than anyone know this. There is no map or compass, just determination and the will to make my year REVOLUTIONARY!!!!!!!!!

Eat the Chocolate? (not today thanks)

The past couple of days, after my epic self acknowledgement, have been pretty difficult. What is it about overwhelming emotion that makes us head for the chocolate aisle?
Instead of becoming totally overwhelmed I decided to take a good look at the inspiration and motivation for my weight loss.

Motivation has really come from my 2 men. Hubby and lil man, I want to be around for a lot longer. I want to live an amazing life with them and laugh, love, live, and have fun.

Inspiration has come from the most unlikely source (for me anyway) and that is the ladies of the #12WBT 30 plus group. They are an amazing group of wonderful people, who are walking the same track as me and happy to share their experiences.

This road we are travelling makes us question our lives, our motives, our determination and our abilities. I question myself constantly;

Can I do it?

Am I worth it?

Will I succeed?

the answer to all of these questions is YES! YES! YES
I may have a taste of those naughty but nice things, but it will be a taste not a trough ( I could lose my nose in a bag of donuts and not come up for air.)

I am here for the long haul fellow travellers, although I'm shrugging off the excess Truck weight and moving my arse into an sleek and sporty Aston Martin :)

 

Weigh Responsibly!

I realised today that my days have been defined by the reading on a set of scales.
Whether I had a good day or a bad day became absolutely dependent upon my weight loss.
How has it come to this?

 My day should be defined by the fact that I have woken up safe, sound, secure and loved in my own home.
It should be defined by the wonderful, amazing people that I have in my life. It should be determined by me. Not a number in a window, not the total loss for the day or week. I had once again allowed my weight to control me and define me.

Well! No longer fellow travellers.

No longer will I wake up in the middle of the night and "just step on the scales" no longer will  I visit the bathroom 12 times in a day "just to check"

I will purchase a set of good scales.
I will only step on them twice a week (Weigh in day and Sunday)
I will allow my husband to hide them.
I will weigh responsibly !!

This obsession has now officially been declared and I am waging war on those numbers.
Fellow travellers if you read this and see even a glimmer of yourselves please remember always

WEIGH RESPONSIBLY

Loving Life (A New Concept)

It's true I really do feel like I am loving life. Don't get me wrong, I am not where I want to be by any stretch of the imagination, but I know I will get there.
That is the difference "I know I WILL get there" I don't feel like I am pushing through a wall of fog anymore. I am really loving the journey.
A #12WBT friend wrote on her blog about excuses. I don't really thing I made excuses, but I did make bad decisions based on my feelings at the time. Those feelings were deeply flawed, but, if I had not made those decisions, I may not have reached this point. I have taken ownership of the decisions I made (good and bad) and I am moving on.

Every decision that I made was shaped by some event in my life at the time. I have made HUGE mistakes and I have had HUGE triumphs. Isn't that what life is about?
The difference is that now I won't reflect on the mistakes, I will reflect on my triumphs and try and learn from mistakes and disappointments.
I will not run away anymore. If you asked me 20 weeks ago if I ran, I would have told you to stick your head in because "you don't know me". Now I say "Yes! that was the old me" Now I will stay and take ownership of all my actions and accept the consequences.

I am loving life and laughing more and "not sweating the small stuff" I appreciate my life, my job and my family more than I ever have because, I realise... I cannot do this alone. I do need people I love in my life. I am not indestructible. But, I also know that this doesn't make me weak. It makes me human. With all of the failings of a human being. I am sitting at the computer writing this and smiling. I can't remember the last time that I smiled so much. :) :) :)

Fellow Travellers I am more than ready to continue this interesting, painful, overwhelming and uplifting road with you. BRING IT ON !!!