Perfectly Imperfect

Fellow travellers I have realised that throughout my life I have strived for perfection; to be the perfect daughter, the perfect mother, the perfect partner. Have a perfect house perfect kids, perfect life. It took me a long time to grasp the fact that these are unattainable ideals, perpetuated by media hype and unrealistic movies. But! I know this and have known this for quite some time. So, why is it that on my weight loss travels I am once again aiming for perfection?

Why do I spend every day trying to be the perfect 12WBT devotee? Why do I look at the scales every weigh day and feel angry at myself because I haven’t hit that perfect weight loss number? (Whatever that may be)

I am conditioned.
Conditioned to believe that, I have to do everything bigger and better than everyone else. I have to be the best, I have to be perfect.

Every weigh in day I furtively glance at the scales and realise that I haven’t achieved the impossible. My weight loss for the last two rounds has not been as dramatic as the first. The last round saw me plodding along towards a weight loss of 9kgs for the round. I thoroughly chastised myself for this and bravely headed into this round believing that this would be the Perfect round (there goes that word again)

Well fellow travellers, it hasn’t been perfect, this week has seen me fall off of the 12WBT eating wagon and eat cake… I have had red flag days this week and I succumbed to temptation. I found that I couldn’t resist the allure of a chocolate birthday cake and had a slice (maybe more than one).
I lurched on to the scales and low and behold my weight loss was a mere 500g (fellow 12WBT 30+ will be shaking their heads at the mention of the word ‘mere’) I was devastated once again to realise that this may be another slow, plod towards the finish line. The magnificent round I had once was a flying start to propel me into this maelstrom of emotional soul searching and slow, steady weight loss.

I metaphorically slapped myself and kicked my arse this morning, because I am the only one who expects me to be perfect and always come out winning. Nobody else puts those pressures on me, it’s all me.

I realised that this is also the reason for my binges and self-loathing, the fact that I am not perfect. I have to unlearn this behaviour in order to move forward.
I am coming to the realisation that I am flawed like every other human being and I can’t always come first or be the top. I have to understand that (although I am awesome); I AM PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!

It’s a long and winding road fellow travellers but we can get there.

Feed the Beast!

It's amazing how obsessed by numbers I have become fellow travellers. It used to be how many doughnuts could I get away with eating in public, now it is how many calories am I consuming.
I am not a mathematician by any means (just ask the Year 8 Maths class I had to cover last week) but I am seeing numbers everywhere I go.

I have Tania scales that give me numbers up the wazoo. Some of them (well, let's be honest, most of them) I do not understand.
I have a Polar HRM that tells me what my heart is doing, calories I have burned and what percentage was fat and cardio.

BUT! Fellow travellers my Nemesis is that small insidious device they call a "Fitbit". This small but perfectly formed gadget sucks you in and bleeds you dry. It taunts you, laughs in your face and will not rest until you feed it. It feeds on numbers, thousands of them. When you walk you feed it. When you sleep it ingests your numbers. You spend your day's feeding this contraption and woe betide you if you haven't given it enough steps, because then fellow traveller, then you have to finish feeding the beast.

When I download my fitbit numbers and realise that not enough calories have been burned, not enough steps taken, it's then that this little contrivance sucks me in... "no" I say to long suffering hubby "I can't go to bed, I only have 1000 more steps, I just need to burn 100 more calories" and I run around the lounge room until that insidious gizmo is fed. Yes I may look like a fool, but I am feeding the beast, becoming the person inside and travelling closer to the best me!
It's then that you realise the fight is lost, give in to the obsession and embrace the numbers, because they my fellow travellers are the key to our conundrum

Kindsight

I recently read a book (yes, fellow travellers I am a reader) in which the main character was asked to write an article on "Being Kind to Yourself". When I started reading this I thought that it was ridiculous. We all know how to be kind to ourselves. Don't we?
As I continued I realised, as the heroine was tucking into a large piece of cheesecake that she had allowed herself as a reward, that we don't know how to be kind to ourselves. We are kind to our spouses, our family, our friends, our children, we are even kinder to strangers than we are to ourselves.
Why? Why is it that we do not feel worthy of  kindness?
We are our own worst critics, we allow others to fail but not ourselves.
We strive for a perfection that doesn't exist and when we don't attain that heady height what do we do? Fellow travellers if you are anything like me, you punish yourself, by hiding behind a barricade of eating and self loathing. We haven't reached an unreachable ideal so we console ourselves. We think we are being kind, but we are back into that trail of self destruction.
These roads we are travelling allow us to take a breath and examine why we chose to begin our journey. This is the first step towards "Kindsight". Not beating ourselves up because we ate that packet of custard creams (you know who you are :) ) but looking back and saying "What have I learned? How can I be kind to myself next time?"
For me that has to start with believing that I do have value and not buying into all of that media hype about being fat and worthless. I have also realised that I have to let go of all of the hurt from my childhood. Let go of all of that anger, bitterness and self loathing. Look at my past and ask myself what it taught me.  It taught me that I am strong, I am resilient and I can overcome adversity. I have value, I have purpose and I am here to be kind to myself and make a difference.
Travelling forward with this knowledge means that I know I can achieve my goals, I can become the person I want to be. Do I believe that
this road will be a straight and easy one? No fellow traveller, it will be full of winding curves and occasionally there will be obstacles in the road, but they will be rocks that can be picked up and thrown to the side or hills that I can climb or mountains that I can traverse. I know that I have value, I know that I have strength and that I am determined enough with KINDSIGHT to succeed.

Healing Hurts!

It has become apparent as I read through the blogs and posts of my fellow travellers that our issues with food and weight are inextricably linked to our self esteem and our childhood experiences. We have all been abused, hurt or derailed by something or someone way back in our formative years.

Along this road I have had time to contemplate my reactions to stress, emotion, pain (physical and emotional) and realised that I always retreat and hide behind food. Usually calorie, sugar laden absolutely bad for me food.

Why don't we pick up a banana instead of a bun? It just doesn't feel the same does it? We cannot wrap ourselves up in the healthy cocoon of a banana, we need that sugar/carb (whatever your poison is) enriched snack that will make us feel bad immediately after the initial rush.

I have a theory that as I am losing weight I am discarding all of those ancient hurts, as each gram dissolves so too does the burden that I am carrying. Every calorie laden treat that I refuse is another transgression against me laid to rest. Every healthy mouthful an accolade to my strength as a person. Every gram gone a testament to my ability to survive. Every time I turn my back on those treats I am running towards me, the real, best me that I can be.

So remember as the realisation hits you, there will be tears and a little pain but YOU are at the other end of this road.

Band Aids! (Rip it off)

Fellow travellers we reach the end of another 12WBT round and it's time to reflect on the round that was.
Firstly I have to say, what kind of stupid fool decides to do a strict eating plan over Christmas?
Well, that fool is me!
After a great start to round 3 and limping in at the finish I knew my road ahead was going to be a tough one. I knew that if I was to make the REAL change (the one inside) I had to re commit to the program. So despite not following the last 2 weeks of round 3 I persevered. At that point 4 friends(who had been watching my progress on facebook) told me that they felt so inspired by my weightloss, that they too were joining the program. This was both an ego boast and a fright at the same time.
Now I couldn't fail! What would I say to these people?
More importantly what would I say to myself?
So for round 4 2012, I decided that maybe I was going to be okay. Unfortunately the last two weeks of round 3 intensified into the first 4 weeks of round 4. I didn't gain weight but I wasn't watching the type of food I ate, just the calories. Christmas came and I had my own epiphany (no I was not under the influence) My psyche needs to be fixed as well as my body. Unless my mindset was on the right track my weightloss wouldn't be. My perception of food was my undoing, I didn't see food as a fuel, I saw it as a band aid for my soul. A one stop fix it all shop. That thinking is what got me to this point. The belief that, no matter how much I hurt inside, a doughnut could fix it, but that one doughnut would turn into 12 doughnuts and while I was eating them I forgot my troubles but when they were gone I hated myself more (sound familiar?)

If Round 4 was not going to become a total washout then I had to rethink my whole life. So I decided to become totally accountable and open up my most painful experiences and thoughts to public scrutiny. So I started a blog (yes, fellow travellers, this blog) I set about cauterizing those wounds and ripping off the band aid. I exposed myself (no, do not avert your eyes, METAPHORICALLY people) and just said it as it was. I was amazed that it really worked, I started to feel better about myself and where I was going. I laughed more often, heartier and longer than I ever did. I started to like myself.
My weight loss this round was not as great as my first round. I went from 107kgs to 94kgs. But I have gained so much spiritually, emotionally and personally that I can say that this round has been a resounding success. Which has taught me that there are a myriad of wins along the way.
It's not about the weight. It's about what got you there in the first place.
Will I be travelling this road for another round. Absolutely fellow travellers, I'm walking right beside you :)

The Problem with Boobs!!

You see fellow traveller the problem with boobs is that we are never satisfied with what we have.I have always been generously proportioned in the chest area. It was almost as though I woke up one day and had gone from nothing straight into a DD+ cup. (My nickname was 3tits, because one of my wonderful friends pointed out that there was far too much boob for 2)

I have been carrying these things around for a very long time and they have rewarded me with back ache, neck ache and headaches. I have had meetings with male colleagues where it was nigh on ompossible to get them to move their eyes further up my body to meet my eyes. I hated those boobs and felt that they were also a source of my problems. I did, almost, get them reduced to a more managable size. I got as far as walking through the hospital door and just turned around and ran out, well I walked rather quickly, girls with big boobs don't run (Our appendages have a habit of becoming pendulums). From that day on I decided to embrace the girls. Finding a bra has always been an issue ( I once walked into a large UK store looking for a bra and horrified the manager by complaining loudly that they didnt go above a DD) When I was pregnant with my daughter I had to get some specially made bras. But I still love my puppies, they have been with me throughout my yoyo dieting and my bouts of anorexia, they have never let me down.

They may not be pert and peppy but they are womanly and sexy. Doing exercise can be a pain (literally) but I just strap those girls up to with in an inch of their lives and we bounce like a rappers boo. The reason I have felt it necessary to divest myself of these thoughts fellow travellers is because by accepting my boobs I realise that I am accepting the whole ME, not just the bits that are aesthetically pleasing, the warts and all me. I used to believe that my life would be so much better with perky and pert, but now I realise that I am happy with my large pendulus breasts (as Adenia would say)  I am now realising that all of me has worth, that is a massive change in my psyche and is one more reason why I know that I will achieve this task that I have set myself.
I realise that the road we are travelling involves stopping at all of those places that we would usually walk on past, but I know that I can't run away from those pitstops. I need to stop, take time and reflect on why I always ran past. By really looking at the place we can find the beauty, it may be hidden but it will always be there. Fellow travellers we just have to stop there long enough to find it.